This phenomenon is not merely related to my books. The books certainly create an opening for discussion, but the same kind of thing has happened with my wife, too. She told me a story recently about a woman she had met (also a stranger) and spent some time with in some various meetings. According to my wife, it was after several days hearing my wife visit in groups, and I guess hearing my wife’s story about her divorce that this woman finally decided to tell my wife about her divorce. It was as if she was watching, waiting to see if it would be okay, if it was safe. I don’t know much else about it, but somehow, that woman felt able to make a connection that had meaning for her when she was able to discuss her experience of divorce with my wife.
I know another couple of women who have chosen to no longer discuss their divorces. They got tired of feeling like they had to explain, that people were judging them and of feeling inadequate as they watched the look in the eyes of their friends.
So what difference does it make?
Well, I think the main difference is whether one carries the pain alone, or is able instead to experience a sense of community and encouragement through connecting with someone who understands and cares. But to be available for that kind of connection means that you have to be willing to not treat somebody as less than you just because they have been divorced. You have to not have quick answers, such as telling somebody they need to just “move on” or “get over it.” You have to be able to share enough of your story to be open, but not so much that the focus is about YOU. And, most of all, you have to be the kind of person who isn't going to take the information you have heard and share intimate details in ways that can cause more hurt (note that the stories above have been greatly abbreviated and made generic enough to avoid inappropriate disclosure…even though none were shared in confidence).
Perhaps the core notion is, you have to be trustworthy.
Which kind of person are you? Down through the years of pastoring, I have learned that most everybody has a story of some kind. Often the stories have nothing to do with divorce, they just are the stories and struggles of individual lives. Some of the stories are horrendous. Some are heartbreaking. Some are disappointing. Some are filled with desperation. But they are the stories of these people’s lives.
And many of them are desperately wanting to find healing, but are searching for that safe environment to share and seek it.
Jesus was a master at creating that kind of environment…look how much “sinners” and “tax collectors” loved to be around him; his caring was genuine. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was after one of my parishioners told me about a family struggle that produced great pain in her life, and then as I was getting ready to leave, that individual said to me, “You know, I don’t know why, but I've gone to church all my life, and you’re the first pastor I've ever felt I could tell about that.” Somehow, in that moment, I think I was most like Christ for that person, because isn't that what God wants to be for us, the one we can tell about every and any thing? People are out there, longing to share their stories. We just need more people out there, willing to listen, to truly listen and care.