Six Reasons Why Planet Fitness is NOT a Legit Gym

Before I begin making fun of Planet Fitness, one of the worst gyms in existence, I must admit that I do have a membership there. It’s cheap, physically close, and quiet (just how I like my hookers!) But the real reasons I go are listed below. Something about its disgusting nature just draws me in.. and it’s ALWAYS a fun place to people-watch. All of these pictures are straight from my iPhone:

1. Pizza Monday

Welcome to Planet Fatness, where on the first Monday night of each month you’re presented with stacks of greasy pizza boxes as soon as you walk in the door. On the first Tuesday morning, it’s bagels. These little “perks” have got to be two of the most hypocritical, counter-productive selling-points of a “health club” that I’ve ever seen. I mean.. seriously?!

2. The Gym Rats

The term “gym rat” is not used in the traditional sense here. The regulars of PF are more similar to the fat-ass sewer rats you’d find in New York City. With free Pizza Monday’s and Bagel Tuesday’s.. you’re more likely to put on an ass than lose it. By claiming to be a “judgement-free zone,” Planet Fitness markets itself to the “novice” gym-goer.. meaning that around 80% of its members are over-weight (at least at my gym). I’m all for people trying to get in shape, but leaving a jar full of tootsie rolls on the front counter and giving them an endless buffet of free pizza once a month isn’t helping.

3. Stupid Signs

Oh, PF.. you so cute & funny! These dumb signs are a newer addition to the gym that try a little too hard to reinforce the fact that it’s for novices: “Not allowed to hold a baby for fear you might crush them? This ain’t your gym” and “Commonly refer to steroids as breakfast? That’s ain’t your gym” Hmm.. a ‘judgement-free’ gym that judges people with muscles? Wrap your brain around that.

4. Hideous Color Scheme

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that everything Planet Fitness is purple or yellow. EVERYTHING. I remember the first time I walked into PF and how thrown off / repelled I was by their awful color design. It’s something you never really get over and, unless you’re color-blind, it’s non-legitimacy speaks for itself.

5. Free Gym Bag

I always thought my life was missing something, then I got a free gym bag for switching my payment method to direct checking account draft! Now my life is complete. All worries and problems have instantly vanished. All thanks to PF and their cheaply-made, $2 gym bag from China.

6. Lunk Alarm

Lifting free weights? Don’t breathe!! The lunk alarm looms directly above the free weight section and is just waiting to hear you grunt or set a weight down too hard. I’ve never actually seen it go off (I don’t think they use it at my gym) but according to friend’s and members at other gyms, this stupid contraption flashes a purple light and beeps loudly whenever someone is being too noisy. A screeching siren to keep the gym quiet? Now that’s a smart idea.