I have never in my life, seen a more dramatic trailer for a movie that literally was even more boring than the first movie. Yeah, I know I should probably watch the entire series in order to have a succinct opinion on the series, but when I can fill in the blanks by just watching the first and fourth movie, that’s not a great sign for an on going series. So without further waiting, lets break into this movie.
In The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson), plus those they love, must deal with the chain of consequences brought on by a marriage, honeymoon, and the tumultuous birth of a child…which brings an unforeseen and shocking development for Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). — (C) Summit Entertainment
Sweet zombie Jesus this movie was boring as hell. Watching this movie was like watching someones vacation videos. I don’t understand how watching an awkward wedding, an awkward honeymoon and the softest core love scenes in movie history is entertaining. I was expect some shit to happen here but all I got was just prettier looking locations and more brooding and lip biting than the first movie. My trips through Western Kansas and chock full of more excitement than watching people play chess for like 2 hours except, EXCEPT the final moments of the movie where I finally get to see something interesting.
Spoiler alert for those that care, but the baby vampire c-section thing was pretty dope. Give me more of that cause it was the only time I was glued to the screen wondering what was going to happen or even cared what was happening.
Anyways, back to what was bad about this movie. I get that for some people this is what they were waiting for, to see two pretty people bang it out on a honeymoon, but Christ this was just awkward as hell to watch. I mean first the loving making is so passionate that head boards are being broken like it was a fucking karate demo of a guy trying to break the world record for most boards broken in a short time. It was comical in a weird way, cause I guess they were trying to show just how powerful Edward is and what he could do to Bella. Alright, with that established maybe he could just grip from iron weights or something cause that broken bed is going to billed. Second, NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS! I would rather watch a slideshow of some couples honeymoon than watch nothing else happen in this movie.
An observation about Jacob for a second. Why fucking bother wearing shirts at all? I mean the moment we are introduced to him in the movie, he just takes off his shirt and starts running and basically every other time we see him he is in some manner of disrobing. What the hells the point at this juncture? That just seemed annoying and also his entire character is annoying cause he is just some big fucking interloper. Who constantly has this wing character out there waiting to vulture the leftovers of a marriage that he is actively rooting for to not happen? Also why send him an invitation to this wedding knowing full well that this guy is constantly trying to cock block you?
This entire movie is just masturbatory porn for the fans of the series. Fuck all happens, zip, zilch, zero happens at all in terms of advancing the narrative of the story and character dynamics. The first hour is just us watching a boring honeymooon event. I give zero fucks about watching two uninteresting people have an uninteresting honeymoon and have boring sex, watch them break shit and observe chess games. Also, it is completely hitting the wedding fanatics out there cause the only talk during the movie at the beginning is about the dress, the shoes, the everything.
GAH what is completely frustrating about this, other than the movie itself, is that they milked the last book of the series into two movies! TWO MOVIES! There wasn’t even enough material in this first movie to be stretched out over its runtime. They treated this movie like an actual wedding where the first movie is the boring ceremony shit and then apparently the second movie is the kick ass reception where we drink and be merry.
In closing, Bella Swan still is a boring character, Vampires are boring, Wolves are boring, this wedding/honeymoon is boring, the baby birthing scene is pretty sweet, and then this entire movie is boring.
I think this sums up my watching.
