I DID IT! I DID IT FOLKS! I survived an entire month of some of the most awful, terrible movie that I have purposefully avoided because I would hate myself if I ever watched them. I suffered through Sandler movies, Twilight, shitty science fiction movies, terrible comedies, and even movies where exposed breasts couldn’t make it enjoyable.
For those that submitted movie suggestions, I both thank you and hate you for giving these to me. For those that followed and commented with words of encouragement and chiding, thanks. I know I said I would live tweet one of my viewings but I have been very busy with my new gig at The Alamo Drafthouse hosting movies and shit. It’s an awesome time doing that, but also cuts into some of my free time to do a few more movie reviews. I hoped though, you all enjoyed one man’s quest in watching nothing but horrible ass movies for one month. It’s the end of the road today with another M. Night movie, The Happening.
Enjoy folks!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Oh god, really?! REALLY?!
Spoiler alert folks but if you really wanted to honestly see this movie, leave the site now.
With that said, FUCK YOU M. Night! Nature is the killer. Nature is seemingly killing off the human race by way of forcing us to commit suicide, be it jumping off building, crashing into trees, hanging ourselves or even lying down in front of a lawn mower, nature is a sadistic mother fucker.
I am not going to lie, I saw this in the theaters. I payed zero dollars for it thought so I feel good about that, but I don’t feel good after watching this asinine movie. I wanted to see what the next twist was going to be for Night and the movie left me feeling pleased but hollow inside. Pleased that I knew this pony wouldn’t disappoint with the latest twist story that also comes with the heaviest of handed messages about something idiotic. This time, we are killing the world and the world is going to kill us, one wind blowing through the grassy fields at a time.
Let me just say, wind is the enemy here. Wind is somehow tried to be made menacing to the audience, whether it gently rustling the leaves of a tree, the howling it makes as it cuts through the trees and the fluttering of clothes and Zooey’s lovely bangs, Night tried so hard to make any of that tense. It fails, miserably. It fails because the idea of the film, that the Earth is protecting itself, is presented and then discarded quickly in the movie for more low thrills and little exposition. The line delivery is about as wooden as a tree, Walhberg and Zooey just can’t deliver any line with a bit of believability and what ends up having to be intense moments of clarity are replaced with comedic dialogue exchanges.
The Happening is filled with a lot of eye-rolling moments. For me the funniest came during a scene where the Leguizamo is trying to escape in a car of survivors through a neighborhood in which all the day laborers hung themselves. To calm them down he tells some math equations to take their mind off the outside, but a small hole in their car roof causes them to veer off the road and smash into a tree. I like to think that the drivers killed themselves because they would rather crash than listen to math problems. This is America, we don’t need math or science.
That is just one of the numerous scenes that are supposed to be harrowing and instead are hilarious. Wahlberg in one scene, apologizes to a plastic plant he mistakes for real, trying to reason with nature into not killing him. You can’t make this shit up. Another scenes literally has Wahlberg almost breaking the fourth wall by looking into the camera and asking, “Can this really be happening?”
The Happening misses the mark for capitalizing on the height of the global warming talks, having a chance to make a movie that is both good and poignant to our current plight. Instead everything is done so terribly, that the results are more comedic than scary. Wind, trees, plants, flowers, everything in nature becomes a looming harbinger of death, but none of it used effectively by Night. I found myself laughing through this movie as it is probably one of the more enjoyable, bad movies I have had to watch. Thankfully I can end this month long endeavor with at least a smile and not wanting to go outside and punch whoever happens to be next to me. While The Last Airbender was the worst of his films, at least The Happening manages to be unintentionally funny, but still too bad to want to watch again.
Thanks for reading everyone!
