So- what makes for a ‘healthy relationship’? Is it how much time is spent together? Or is it how that time together is spent? Is it the ability to match each other in physical desires, or a question of kink compatibility? Is it about being able to listen to and accept a partner, and/or be listened to and supported by a partner?
The measure of a healthy relationship? It could perhaps lie in how empowered each person involved in the relationship feels by participating in it.
I look back at my longest relationship, with my ex husband, Finn. I had a lot of support from him in the relationship (when he wasn’t stoned). I had incredible friendship. I had time. And yet- I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t feel like I could be Me. I felt if I started being Me, it would take away from him being able to be him. So, I sacrificed Me, for him.
I look at the patterns in my other relationships through life and I see myself, again and again, seeking to please others. Now, I know that as a person I enjoy being of service to others. And, it is a very fine line between being of service, and sacrificing who you are to meet someone else’s needs. It would seem- and I suspect that I am not the only one- that I have spent a long time on the wrong side of that line. I find myself now working consciously to change that. To be of service and to be present to my lovers, flovers, and friendimates, without sacrificing my own well being, physically or mentally.
I think it is human nature to want to be of service. We can’t help it. It is totally natural to us. When we connect and contribute to others- whether individuals or community- there’s a feel good factor, and it also helps us to connect with ourselves.
Relationships get taken seriously. Very seriously. And sometimes, it is too easy to forget to have fun in relationships. Human nature is one of innate curiosity and play. We seek fun. We seek laughter. We seek the happy hormones. Why then is there a tendency to behave so seriously about relationships- and indeed, all of life? Does being ‘in a relationship’ mean there is no more ‘fun’?
Too often, I think, we stay in relationships that don’t empower us. We can love someone, and realize it’s not a good idea to be in a relationship with them, and end the relationship. Or, we can resculpt the relationship so it becomes something where everyone can feel empowered. We don’t necessarily have to abandon a relationship, just find if there is a way for everyone involved to feel empowered by being part of it. Empowered and inspired to be their most kick ass awesome, authentic self.
