I had a quietly transforming realisation today.
I’ve been feeling exhausted lately- a combination of winter, work, wooing and wishing so hard for sunshine and summer and someone sexy to spring upon me. I’ve been out socializing a lot, which normally would help to energize me- I’m more an extrovert than an introvert, but only by a slight margin.
There’s something different about the way I approach relationships. I don’t just mean in being poly. Or in being singleish. I can’t quite articulate what it is because I am still figuring out what everyone else is doing that seems to be the same as everyone else, and yet- is different from my approach.
I go to poly community events and I meet all walks of people. There’s scientists, artists, business owners, dancers, intellectuals, writers, musicians. There’s folks who are sober, folks who indulge in social alcohol folks who trip out on acid at least once a week, and folks who use all other manner of substances you might find in any other subsection of human society. There are introverts and extroverts. There are party animals and home bodies. There are people who host or attend sex parties, there are Burners, there are Ravers, there are Tantric practitioners. With all this diversity, why do I find myself feeling so alone and isolated right now?
I was at a party recently with a lot of folks I know through the extended poly community. I run into these folks everywhere- through the local fetish scene, through a gazillion mutual friends on Facebook, at poly meets, and even sometimes randomly on the street. Many of them are part of a local group that is somewhat exclusive and get together for planned sexy parties, but the more I meet people who are very involved with that particular group- the less I feel I resonate with them. I’m not saying it as a judgement, it’s just that, where they are at and where I am at are not quite compatible. There’s always so much alcohol around them, and for me, alcohol has taken away too many opportunities to connect genuinely during intimacy. They are young, and sexy, and I have some amazing friends from within this sub-community, people I would love to be able to get to know more and connect on a deeper level. Yet, being around them at this party exhausted me. I felt like I was regressing to something from high school. I have been there. I have done that. And I desperately want more than that.
I’m seeking a community within my community. I desperately want to find more people like me.
I am spiritual.
I am sexy.
I am (mostly) sober from alcohol- and I think, were it not for the socialising aspect of it, I could give it up easily.
To me, sex is a spiritual thing. Spirituality is that which brings me to a deeper connecting place with myself and the world I live in- including the people around me. The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t necessarily need sex to get that connection- but sharing that connection with others is immensely enjoyable and pleasurable and everybody brings something unique of their own to it. I turn away from things that distance me from that connecting with myself and embrace that which supports it. There was a time in my life when drinking did actually help me connect in with myself. Through the pain of depression, it gave me a reprieve, and within that reprieve, I worked through and found new motivation that eventually led me to no longer need the booze for self processing. The drinking is no longer compatible with my spirituality- I enjoy my own bacchanalian-esque moments far more without it, in fact.
I find myself in the midst of a social shakeup. New wonderful people are entering my life, and introducing me to other new wonderful people, and I need to embrace this more. Maybe, I need to literally embrace them more too. In the incredibly complex interconnectedness that is the poly community, sometimes it can be hard to separate one social group from another since there truly is so much overlap, and I’ve perhaps been defaulting without examining who I am in all of this. What do I want to be around? Whom do I want to party with and what kind of energies do I want to bring into my life? I’m not going to meet new people I might resonate with sexually and spiritually if I am not spending time with like-minded peeps. I can handle psychedelics and soft drugs, even drinking if it isn’t an “I can’t socialise without this” kind of thing.
I realize that to some, this may make it sound like I am no fun at all. Au contraire. I am incredibly fun. Feed me good food, play some good music, give me space to move and dance… and, I think I’ve done enough with psychedelics that I am slightly high most of the time anyway as it is.
I would simply like to make more friends and spend more fun times with folks who are spiritual, sexy and sober. Please and thank you!
