Humor Magazine

Saving the Earth from an Asteroid Could Come Down to a Good Paint Job

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss


Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST).

The discovery of this asteroid was made from the Panoramic Survey Telescope & Rapid Response System on Oct. 10.

That’s Oct. 10 of THIS MONTH, people!

Thanks for the heads-up, scientists! That’s plenty of time to prepare for the destruction of civilization by organizing survival kits, loading the car and then driving it off the nearest cliff. Scientists assure us that, although “relatively close” to Earth, TB145 is no real threat. Keep in mind these are the same scientists who, using the most sophisticated surveylance system on the planet, overlooked something roughly the size of the Titanic rolling through our solar system.



As expected, this has once again sparked talk of how to deal with an actual extinction-level threat from an asteroid. Scientists suggest the only way to avoid annihilation would be to somehow divert the offending asteroid into a different orbit, therefore altering its path into a collision course with something less vital, such as California.

Until recently, experts believed that the only way to accomplish this would be through the use of nuclear missiles. These missiles could be launched from space and lodged into the asteroid, where they would remain undetonated until reaching the precise location astrophysicists determine would be far enough away to safely deflect the asteroid while, at the same time, still being close enough to scare the pants off of everyone on Earth.

However, a recent study suggests that there might be a more practical way of handling the situation by simply having someone go up and paint the asteroid white.

Wanted: commercial painter. must enjoy air travel. experience with spray gun preferred; will consider brush and roller if time allows.

When do I leave?

When do I leave?

According to an article in Science magazine, changing the surface temperature of an asteroid can lead to a dramatic shift in orbit by creating an uneven release of heated gas known as the “Yarkovsky Effect.” As an illustration, this very same phenomenon has been observed here in the LAP office, where it is known as the “Brainrants Chili” effect; and yes, in both cases there was a notable shift in orbiting bodies.

If it comes down to it, there are essentially three ways of changing temperatures of an asteroid.

The first, as we mentioned, would be to actually paint a large section of the asteroid white. Or maybe even a nice mauve or fuchsia. This would not only induce the Yarkovsky Effect, it could potentially save the entire planet. More importantly, it could also be the first step toward adding some much needed color to what many agree is a really drab solar system.

However, we need to remember that painting an asteroid isn’t without its drawbacks.

For example: What if we get the thing painted, then decide we don’t like the color? Unless we can talk someone into going back, we’ll be stuck looking at a giant, orbiting eyesore.

Saving the Earth from an asteroid could come down to a good paint job

“My God, that’s hideous! And what about that Asteroid?”

Of course, this is assuming we can get paint to work in zero gravity in the first place. Even with gravity, it’s hard enough not to lose half the paint down your arm while trying to paint the ceiling. Now try doing it while flying through the air at 78,000 mph and trying to keep your Dutch Boy from floating away in the shape of an orb. Even if we were able to develop a special paint with its own super-gravitational pull strong enough to overcome the vacuum of space, who’s going to lift it?

As you can see from this live ABC remote, Dwaine “The Rock” Johnson and John Cena have just put on their painters caps and are entering the space capsule….

Our second option, according to Joseph Spitale of the UA Lunar and Planetary Laboratory, would be to “put a lot of dirt on the asteroid.” Apparently, this would change the temperature and aerodynamics of the asteroid enough to potentially cause an orbital shift.


Now, we’re no scientists here at LAP, but wouldn’t adding tons of dirt also make the asteroid BIGGER?

The good news is that we successfully added an extra 60 tons of dirt to the asteroid. The bad news is that we’ve doubled its size and, consequently, doomed all of mankind. Still, we’d like to thank our premier sponsor, Bill’s Gravel and Dirt….

This leaves us with our third and final option, which is to send a specially trained team of astronauts into space in order to intercept the asteroid and shift its orbit by heating it with a giant hair dryer.

Okay, that’s just a subtle way of saying there IS no third option.

Unless you include nuclear missiles.

Which is really about the only way of guaranteeing we as a species can, once and for all, kiss our asteroids goodbye…




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