Diaries Magazine

Sanctum Sanctorum.

By Ian_delapena
Sanctum Sanctorum.
Here I am again, to the place  that has ultimately have become the graveyard of my emotions.
These past couple of weeks have been a struggle. That feeling of void that something is missing from who I am is at it again.
I have been scrutinizing and over analyzing my self again, it's a force of habit, sometimes does good but most of the time just drags me and makes me realize that I am a mediocre in everything that I do.
I wish to move on, I know I can do things.
I have come to realize that I am not worth keeping. I feel that I am the only one that keeps on holding on the friendships that I have. I may be wrong but that is how I feel.
A friend told me that I am selfish and much dominant, he may be right but I try my best not to be.
Am I on my way to self destruction and is this the way that I want things to end for my self, out on the gutter.
My plans for the future still is pending, it seems too hard to execute. No one wants to help me thinking I am crazy and too ambitious.
I have this habit of analyzing my self am I good, am I bad, am I too much for someone to stick with?
I guess the point of this post is that I am tired. I am tired of trying to fit in and pleasing people to stick with me and be my friend. Is it too damn hard to find someone who will accept me for who I am? the quirks and obscurities, my idiosyncrasies and peculiarity? I feel that in the end, ultimately, I will be alone.
No one have really seen who I really am, sometimes I even think that I haven't seen the real me to keep the people I care for close, but I am too tired now.
I feel that I am slowly withdrawing my self from society. Started with me deactivating my Facebook, the social glue that binds me and my friends and acquaintances by a thread.  but it seem that a part of me keep on struggling trying to fight finding my self creating accounts that are androgynous.
I hope that I can find my wings again before I come completely crashing down.

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