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Being in love doesn’t mean you forget about you. Actually, it means the opposite. Being in a healthy relationship means having a “loving detachment.” By the term detachment, I mean that you both have a healthy concern about each other, while at the same time, you have an ability to let go and pursue your own interests without trying to merge with each other.
Bostonians Amy and Sam have been married since 2005, after having been a couple for four years. They’ve always been great about taking care of each other and of Amy’s biological children, who lived with them during the school year and with Amy’s ex-husband during the summers. Amy has a job teaching college chemistry, and Sam is in pharmaceutical sales. Amy’s biological children have recently all flown the nest, so it’s much quieter around the house.
Sam feels like Amy has become clinging. Amy is now intensely interested in where Sam is all day, and when he’s coming home. When Sam has to travel, Amy is terribly despondent and calls Sam frequently. Lately, Sam is starting to feel smothered.
What’s happening is that Amy feels like she needs to be “fused” with Sam in order to feel secure about not being alone. It’s not difficult to imagine this happening, because they are now empty-nesters and have more time. Amy is feeling that she must know where Sam is, every minute of the day. Amy is neglecting her own problems, because she is not dealing with how lonely she feels now that the children have started out their new lives. But Sam cannot solve Amy’s intense loneliness problem.
I’m sure you realize where this situation could be heading for this couple. We can easily see that Amy is floundering with what her role and meaning are in life, now that she’s not taking care of kids any more. She probably feels abandoned. Meanwhile, Sam is not used to being Amy’s “reason for being,” and he’s overwhelmed by it. If Amy doesn’t let up on Sam, there may come to a day when Sam doesn’t want to come home.
Perhaps this problem sounds familiar.
- Is someone resting all his or her hopes in life on you?
- Are you so busy taking care of your partner, that you have no dreams you are pursuing for yourself?
- Have you put your own problems aside, to focus solely on your partner?
- Are you intently concerned with your partner’s feelings and problems, while you neglect what is going on inside of you?
- Is your partner making you feel totally responsible for his or her happiness in life?
If any of your answers were “yes,” then you are probably in a relationship with an unhealthy attachment.
When we have our own thoughts, desires, and dreams, we become interesting to be around. We cannot count on having someone else do this for us. Pursuing your individual needs without feeling guilty, acting in your behalf, and being in charge of you makes you better for yourself and others.
Even if someone might agree to being your reason for living, when you let his or her tastes become your tastes, you lose something wonderful: you.
In this case, Sam finally told Amy that he couldn’t take the place of the kids.
Amy learned from Sam’s advice, and she started to see the extra time without the kids as an opportunity. She did take up some hobbies that she had been neglecting for years. The key point is to grow without losing who you are. Detach for your own sake, and have a relationship of choice.
A friend of mine, whose husband had passed away, recently told me why their marriage was so good all those years. She shared that they had their unique differences and never expected the other to “opt in” to the other’s difference. In fact, each year on their anniversary, she would ask, “Do you want to sign on for another two?” —always doubling the number. His answer was always yes. They practiced a “loving detachment.”
Enjoy your differences, and view them as a gift—the gift of you and all you are!
Fawn Weaver, the founder of the Happy Wives Club wrote a book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer. They say the book is like “Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy HERE.
