In my recent book, Never Too Old for Romance, the main character makes this observation about her marriage: “I guess I don’t feel that we’re a couple. We’re just two people who live together.”
Since my primary focus is on couples counseling, I particularly find this quote significant. Often my couples are not presenting their needs as a “couple.” Rather, they talk about what they want individually and what they do not get as individuals.
It is true that on
e of the best things about being intimate partners is the friendship. But the bond between lovers is more than just friendship. Instead, the bond has some soul mate qualities. Lovers are attracted to each other with a passion that causes them to feel as if they are one person, not two. But soul mates do not try to steal your individuality—they actually help you find it, and in doing so facilitate growth. In this way, they emotionally support each other through the ups and downs of life. Some words that come to mind when talking about a couple are pair, duo, twosome, unite, join, and spending time together.
When lovers are forced apart, either by death or divorce, there is no cure known to medical science for the heartache. A lover away from his beloved may see her everywhere, knowing that she’s really not there. He may see her bracelet, or her brush, and call to her, knowing that there will be no answer. With time, he can make it without her, but there will be an empty spot in his heart.
Are you just living with someone you like as a friend, or are you two a couple? Here are some clues that your relationship has changed to be just friends.
- The other person is not your priority. You put work first, because you’re very busy and don’t have much time left to spend together, let alone even talk on the phone.
- Even though relationships take effort, you have other things to do that are more important.
- You spend more time cuddling with the dog than with your partner.
- You no longer feel committed. If a good job meant relocating out of town, you would do so.
- Your friends know more about who you are than your partner.
If this is how you are feeling, it is time to talk with your partner about where the relationship could go from here. Does it have a short “shelf life,” or can it go the distance? Perhaps your partner feels the same way, or maybe not. But it is time to talk about it, before too much time passes in a stagnant romance. Eventually you may end up sexually and emotionally unfulfilled. Also, if you don’t reveal your honest feelings, eventually your partner may end up believing that you lied about being committed.
Never Too Old for Romance – by Barbara J. Peters, now available!
