Relationship Advice: Letting Go of the Past
Can you easily let go of the past?
For most the answer is a loud “NO.” When couples come to counseling, one of the first questions I hear is “How do I let go of the past?”
I wish I could say the answer was easy, but honestly, it’s one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome. But it’s a critical piece of relationship advice. For most it’s simply too comfortable and too secure to let go of the past. Even when it is not particularly beneficial, holding on to the past has been seen as the path of least resistance.
Why? Because holding on means not trying anything new. Trying something new means taking a risk and taking a risk is not comfortable. And yet, from my own personal experience, not to mention clinical knowledge, I can assure you that taking risks, although scary, is indeed the only path to experience growth. It’s some of the most consistent relationship advice I give.
As we embark on a new year, one of the first healthy risks to take might be letting go of the past.
Some things to let go of are:
• Past regrets
• “Should have”; “could have” and “if only”
• Putting life on hold
• Yearning for “good ole days”
• Believing it’s your lot in life to suffer
• Addiction to drama
• Unproductive thoughts
Do any of the above pertain to you? If so,it might be time to make a different choice in 2013.
Here’s a fact: You are NOT your past.
Say that to yourself. Now let me ask you – do you believe it yet?
Staying stuck in those memories will only serve to immobilize you in your life. And then nothing will change. Keeping your life in a holding pattern until conditions are ideal and everything is lined up perfectly is just a way of procrastinating and making excuses for acting differently.
It is easy to become prisoners of a perception of a positive past. This means that you’re always looking back on those “good old days.” These kinds of glossed-over memories can have much the same effect as a negative past can. And frankly, this way of perceiving the past is not altogether accurate. This is merely a way of us choosing how to see those memories, not of accurately evaluating them with a level of critical thought. And it is especially important to be mindful about objectivity when evaluating memories from long ago.
Understanding the implications of remaining in the past is the first piece of relationship advice on the past to letting go. We tend to change behavior only when we have some indication it will be better. We want proof that it works before we let our old behavior go. It is all too often we keep the destructive behavior because we have grown accustomed to it and know exactly how to act and react in most situations.
But the truth is this: Couples who cannot let go of the past will ultimately not move to a better relationship. So if you are looking to improve your relationship this year, you’ve got to take the plunge, say good-bye to the past, and hello to life in the present.
