Re Transplant, Palliative Care Medications

Things the last few days have been increasingly hard, I'm having some extremely hard times with my breathing, points where I feel I'm going to go Into respitory arrest and my anxiety levels have only made it much worse. I had an exercise test yesterday on 2litres of oxygen, of the 6 minute walk test I managed 3 minutes. My heart felt like it was going to explode and felt like I was going to collapse, my sats went down and my heart went up. So for walking I'm going be on 4+ litres of oxygen and resting I will remain on 2+.
Today nonnie my consultant came in, my breathing wasn't great but better then it has been. But she instantly noticed how bad it was, and said she could see the anxiety and worry in my face. I could certainly feel it. I was started on oramorph 2 days ago which has slightly helped, but as of today I'm going on to MST and also starting lorazepam all to help with the shere effort of breathing and to try and bring down my anxiety levels over it all. These medications all come under the palliative care meds. For me this is all very familiar in April of 2011 my conversations were very much the same, although I was already listed for transplant. Next week they will all discuss whether I can be re transplanted with the surgeons and the whole of the team. I think it's obvious I am on a slippery slop moving at a rate to me that is even faster than last time. We still have the hope that radiation will act as a stabiliser but I'm not willing to put all my chips in one basket and therefore feel the discussion for re transplant is very much appropriate now.
How do I feel about this all? I feel scared, I feel tired, Im praying it will all come right but again I find myself making lists of songs and poems I wish to be played at my funeral. Somewhere I know it will all come right in the end, how I'm not sure and that doesn't mean I will make it but I just know it will be ok.
Remember where there's life there's hope!
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