We all know that domestic violence occurs—it cuts across all socioeconomic and racial lines, and somehow, we have never been able to find a way to reduce the problem. A history of family violence, childhood abuse and neglect, mental illness, chronic stress, and serious financial problems are all issues we often see present in situations where this violence occurs—but even though they are factors, they never justify it.
Football players are a macho bunch—huge men who get paid to bulk up their muscle and reach their maximum capacity for strength, speed, and toughness. Lots of men wouldn’t want to face off with any one of these NFL players, because it wouldn’t be a fair fight. So how in the world could a woman possibly defend herself against one of these guys or really any guy? She couldn’t and shame on any one of them for taking advantage of that.
We have all seen the video. Some folks will say she shouldn’t have provoked him—we hear that a lot with domestic abuse. She should have stayed meekly in her corner, cowering—so the beast wouldn’t be stirred. Instead, she moved towards him after he pushed her—and he cold-cocked her and with one blow, she was out cold. He’s darn lucky she didn’t hit her head in such a way that the blow was fatal. It happens.
After Ray Rice lost it and struck his fiance—one would think he’d be very concerned, even a little concerned, have some remorse…some reaction that showed regret or dismay over what he had just done. But no—it got worse. He DRAGGED her over the threshold of the elevator as she lay face down on the hotel hallway carpet. Her skirt was hiked up, her shoes off and she was clearly dead weight. But for a guy who faces off against NFL players weighing over 250 pounds, made of solid muscle and pumping with intense adrenaline, c’mon—he should easily have been able to at least pick her up and carry her to the room. It wouldn’t have made up for the hit—but it may have helped us to believe he has at least some human decency. Instead, he treated her like a ripped bag of groceries, dragging, pushing, turning, shaking and attempting to sit her up. All the while some guy was standing there, apparently concerned enough to remain and speak to him about what was going on.
Then the NFL basically closed ranks, slapped him on the hands—and the poor thing missed two games. His then fiancé, now new bride, refused to press charges (old story) and everyone seemed to write it off as “boys will be boys.” That is until the whole scene came out—a picture of one hard punch is certainly worth a thousand words of explanation. Now he has been kicked off the team, there has been an explosive outcry and the twitter sphere has been lit up all day with the comments and fall-out.
Maybe something good will come of this. Maybe finally everyone will start to realize just how awful domestic violence is. Nothing like watching a woman get knocked out by a well-placed punch to get us in the mood.
As a therapist who has worked with couples/families where domestic violence has been an issue—I am truly concerned about Ray Rice returning home after being fired—and taking his rage out on the person he will probably blame. Before he had to make nice and beg her forgiveness—marrying her and probably showering her with gifts. Now, after having lost his job and suffering public humiliation—he is a ticking time bomb who could go off any minute.
