Please forgive any typos in this post – I am actually typing it from the WordPress iPhone app (first time!!) and that means I may have ‘corrected’ words once in a while…..
I have been missing in action, I know. I have been telling those of you who have recently been questioning my existence that a lot has been happening IRL and haven’t actually explained what.
So this is my attempt to explain…sorta- not because I deserve an excuse or because I need pity, but rather to just spit this out so that I sort of let a lot of it go.
After my husband left for England, I decided that the best way to keep myself from missing him would be to keep myself busy. I still believe this is the case, but I put too much on my plate
I think my recent life has been leading me to think I have anxiety issues. The first large thing to happen was the two blogging conferences. At that time I had a full time job, was still doing physio. twice a week, was doing my baking class on Saturdays, writing frequently on my blog and still managed to have a little bit of a social life AND Skype everyday with the hubby.
Things were great….that is until life caught up with me. All the bills and life responsibilities that my husband used to take care of all piled up on me seemingly at the same time.
I got involved with a sketchy company from Blissdom Canada that proceeded to continuously take money off of my credit card (until we had to finally cancel the card and put in a complaint …which messed up a few other payments that are scheduled monthly from that card). In fact we are still sort of dealing with them to try to get the money refunded.
Then the news of my Uncle getting sick and needing an operation popped up. Although I have not to date been directly involved, I was involved as ‘support’ to my Mother who had been out in the position of being the primary caregiver. My Mother is over 60 years old – there is no way she would be able to wake up every two hour with my Uncle AND take care of him all day without being sick.
At the same time at work I got an unofficial promotion – it was basically helping out after a colleague (friend) of mine left on maternity leave. I was now helping to organize the sample areas, update the finishes schedule and help choose finished for the new project (which shall go unnamed for obvious reasons), in addition to my document control duties. I was extremely excited because I saw it as a way of getting back into my field although it was starting all over in Interior Design again.
Out of the blue, without consulting me or telling me if or what I was doing wrong, they hired someone to take over. They never even introduced her to me – but basically just took everything I had done and have it to her.
To this day they have not said anything to me. No, I don’t mean said anything to me about it, I mean the people involved have been avoiding me since. no I am not imagining that. Maybe that is the way the corporate world is – if it is, I want nothing to do with it because I believe in respect for each other in any situation before anything else. It’s not so much what they did that disturbed me, but rather, HOW they did it. Anyway, it is a mute point. All I do is pray for those responsible that God will reward them in whatever way they deserve (thanks Mom for teaching me that one).
Also, I was getting problems with my arms again and I was exhausted. My 40 minute drive in the morning had turned into an hour and the hour long coming back had turned into an hour and twenty minutes. That’s about when I started finding myself falling asleep as I was driving to and from work on the 401 highway!
The drive not only got longer (traffic) but it also got darker because of the changing seasons and daylight savings time. Something I have not ever told anyone (yes I haven’t told this directly to Luv Luv or my family) is that more and more, noises and light confuse me. When I say confused I mean it takes all of my energy to remember that I cannot close my eyes to protect myself from the glare of headlights in bumper to bumper traffic. Even the radio got so disturbing to me that I drive to and fro without it on more times than not (sorry Roz & Moka I swear it is not you).
So after speaking with some friends who are plagued with chronic diseases, I have decided to get myself tested for fibromyalgia. After eight months or so of appointments with no seeming answers, I have officially changed my doctor and am going to a new one in January. We will see where this set of testing goes. I am nervous though because my Luv Luv is not physically here to support me like he always has been…
Oh wow I am completely off my topic. Are you bored with this story yet?
Anyway, I quit my job as of November 25, 2011. Yes, I have a little of a financial cushion to sit upon for a while and I know I am privileged to be in that position. I wasn’t even 100% sure as to why I quit; the situation at work, the fear of losing my skills, the more and more difficult drive, anxiety (there I said it) of my Mother looking after my Uncle and possibly getting sick herself, all the tasks and bills and issues to deal with….it all piled up and threatened to explode – to the point where I was crying every day sometimes even in my cubicle at work!
When I Skyped the Luv Luv I must have come across as if my PMS were on steroids and protein shakes because he even said “quit if you are sure that the job is the reason you are acting this way” (or something to that effect).
So I did. Did I feel better? Yeah I sorta did, but that’s when my Mother flew in and we were trying to deal with my Uncle’s complications at the hospital – and she got sick. When I say sick I mean SICK. I thought she was going to die the night I spent at her place, praying the entire time to God to not put me in that position because I didn’t think I could handle it (yes purely selfish).
I have never seen her that sick and it worried ME sick….but luckily after a week she was almost back to normal and recovering and after about 2 1/2 weeks she was fully rehydrated and eating properly….and even baking with me.
Then we got the news that the operation was postponed and she announced that she had changed her flight but had errands to do. We ended up doing about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks of errands in three days – we were so pressed for time that she even forgot to take some of the items she had bought to take with her back home.
In the middle of getting errands done, however, we found out that another of my Mom’s brothers was in a car accident…. We went to visit and he was fine but his wife was (is?) a bit banged up. They spent one day in the hospital and she was released.
What had happened is that when she saw the other car coming towards them she turned her head and took the full blow of the air bag to the left side of her face. That made her black and blue and bruised on that side of her face. At the same time, the powder from the airbag, that is required to prevent the airbag from sticking to itself in it’s little compartment, BURNT some of her skin on her face (apparently it is known to do that?!?!). So it was a double whammy… Luckily steroidal drops reduced her facial swelling and she was able to take time off work to recover.
She has also now been getting pains from both shoulders shooting down her chest. My Mom (ever the Physiotherapist) is worried about that – I have no medical background so if that is worrisome to my Mother, I am assuming it should be worrisome to everyone else involved, including me.
Anyway, after my Mother left, I cleaned up the apartment where she stays a bit; emptied the fridge and took out the garbage but I have yet to go make the bed, do the laundry (towels) and arrange with my other Uncle (yes I have a gargantuan family) to come install a pendant light in said apartment.
I decided that the rest of the week was for me to sleep and clean. Well let me tell you – I have never slept this much in my life – and with the Luv Luv and my older sister continuously asking what I’ve been up to and making nervous faces and sounds when I say sleeping….I actually wondered if I was falling back into my agoraphobic, depressed ways….
But I am not. Well, not more than usual.
I am enjoying being lazy because I have been running full steam ahead since September…..and surprisingly, I haven’t gotten sick (then again it always happens when I relax).
In the end my dear friends, I am fine but have finally gotten a chance to just sit. I just sit and sleep and tweet and play my Facebook games and watch movies and bake cookies … It is just so refreshing to be able to just not have to think you know?
So although this was supposed to be a productive week – I choose for it NOT to be. I will do the necessary grocery shopping and cleaning and bill payments, but I have to tell you that I just want to BE for some time.
So please do not worry about me – at this time I am actually exactly….okay not exactly but close….where I want to be.
Operation clean apartment should start soon though……
Thank you for listening to my all too long explanation of the past few months – I promise to be a lot more present in the New Year.
