Well, my anticipation for a specific title has now cost me a second week. I’m trying to bounce around services with these quality checks, so I’m not doing one company over and over. i was going to do Death Without Mercy, the new Paramount Plus documentary, but they didn’t spring for audio description, and it isn’t in the English language. I could go back and do one I’ve already seen, but I have yet to do a quality check on a rewatch. Therefore, i sought out something. While browsing for Netflix to maybe have a new International film with audio description, it suggested Tank. Now, I was a year old when this came out, and I’m not ashamed to admit I had no idea James Garner starred in a movie called Tank. I’m even more surprised, this has audio description on Netflix. So, let’s see what happens when a 40 year old movie gains audio description.
The logos. I miss MCA company being attached to Universal. That’s when you know it is old school. This is a nice male narrator I don’t immediately recognize. So, Roy, William Michael Redman, Jedidiah Barton, and a few others are out of the question.
Drums play. We’re on a road. Of course, the movie is called Tank. So, roads. We are told a station wagon (kids, ask your parents), a moving truck, and a large flatbed are hauling across a rather open terrain. In and around the descriptions, james Garner gets top billing. Two lane road. Rural. Tank. The object on the flatbed trailer is covered with a green tarp. I bet it is a tank.
James Cromwell, Shelly Winters, C Thomas Howell are all in this as well.
The townspeople are staring, so even without knowing we are in a town, or what size, we know we are in a town, because you can’t be a townsperson without a town. They also pass a Sheriff’s station, which I feel like is important. The teen boy in the backseat leans forward, because he wants to ROCK! No good Rock stations out here. I sympathize. I used to live the country life in high school, and we had one top 40 station, and a bunch of country stations. the boy isn’t described beyond being brown haired and a teen.
The station wagon stops at a guard post. Garner and family are waved in. Must be a military family. The tarp is removed, and it is indeed a tank. i know you are as shocked as me, that a movie called Tank has a tank.
Movers carry a couch to a single story brick house. They are moving in. that is what I’ve learned. The wife directs where the couch should go inside, but there’s no audio description to support it. or her. I have no idea what she looks like. we have to save time to talk about the TANK! This is about a TANK!
Garner is driving the tank. He is stopped by someone from Soldier Magazine. I’m not fucking with you. A brief convo with my Alexa returns that there was a Soldier Of Fortune magazine, but not Soldier magazine. I’m dumbfounded either way. So is Garner, who just arrived, and wants to know how the hell this fake ass journalist found him so quickly. Well, james, if he took longer, the movie would break a two hour runtime. Watching a movie called Tank that runs more than two hours doesn’t seem like a good time.
Just a ton of exposition about Garner. He’s the only one that owns his own tank. He used to fix it up with his two sons. He’s had it for 15 years. Garner is Zack, but I’m gonna keep going with Garner. He now only has one son. The older one died.
Soldiers march. Garner meets with the General. Garner and the General head for a drive, and more exposition. It took a lot for the tank to be here, Garner is in line for a promotion. Garner doesn’t want to be promoted until his son has grown up. Life is precious.
Back at home, the journalist is interviewing the son, Billy. Billy is holding a box, and talking about what it is like to be james Garner’s son. The wife/mother needs an introduction at some point. Billy compares himself to Jesus. He compares his dad to Danny Thomas.
Later, the family is talking, and the wife, who still has been really under described thus far, suggests going to the bar on base to see if they know anyone. She’s also trying to get in as much screentime and dialog so the audio description will acknowledge her existence.
A blue neon sign hangs above the MCO’s double doors. End of the Hall. I’m assuming you mean the place is called End of The hall? otherwise, we made a weird transition. I might have thrown in something about the name being End Of The Hall.
Garner is wearing a sport coat. Garner walks along the bar. Two guys leave. we could have more description in this scene. It’s just some shitty 80’s song. We see a female bartender, just as someone recognizes Garner and approaches. They are a friendly.Garner is home later, turns out a light, and we finally hear his wife’s name. Madonna? Ladonna? One of those. Madonna is so much more fun. I’m going with that.
Madonna has some words for Garner. she turns on a lamp. He tells her about his brief time at the bar, which we know almost nothing about the interior. It has a female bartender. that’s about it. Madonna suggests sex, in a PG movie. Love it.
Garner wants a boat. He’s really into fishing with his kid, and not getting promoted.
Soldiers are in a large room. Garner has the soldiers at attention. “These chats are about as full of crap as a Christmas Goose.” WTF? LOL. Also, he says they need to get their “shit” together, and I love 1984, when we were just trying to figure out what PG-13 would be. So, Tank made it by with a PG rating.
Garner is here to shape things up. He says the army is his family. oh! Another “bullshit”! :Shit rolls downhill”. Best PG movie.
An alarm clock reads 4:30, and Garner gets up again in bed next to Madonna. He goes to yell at some soldiers. The men go for a jog. The audio description could have said it earlier than it does. They wake up the General doing a massive jog, but he seems happy the soldiers are getting a workout.
Madonna is in the station wagon. She went to get groceries.Madonna is cooking for the other wives on base who are coming over, but garner wants to go out and celebrate because he got his boat.
Nighttime. Garner parks outside a diner. Inside, Garner sits at a bar, and a “lady blonde” sits next to him. lol, what? I rewound it. it clearly said “A lady blonde sits next to him.” Why? WHY!? WHY!!!! So weird.
Garner starts singing a sea chanty. I’m not kidding. this movie makes no sense. james Cromwell tells him to shut up. Garner apologizes, and offers to buy Cromwell a beer. Cromwelll is clearly an evil deputy. he says the woman is his whore, and he slaps her. We learn that her name is Sarah, and then Cromwell slaps her again. The deputy gets slapped by Garner, and then Garner kicks his ass. Sarah, the lady blonde, is upset that Garner stood up for her.
Garner, presumably drunk drives home to an old friend, the one from End Of The Road. His friend calls the sheriff a “mean cracker”. I’m guessing the friend is black, and we’ll never get any diversity in this audio description. A man in a gray suit heads into the police station. Cromwell has a black eye. The Sheriff has confederate flags in his office. Deputy Euclid. What a terrible name. I’m sticking with Cromwell.
the Sheriff questions Cromwell about the whereabouts of his attacker. This Sheriff is obviously a prick.
Billy is getting food from a mess hall. The mess hall captain goes to meet Garner.Garner likes the food.
Now, real talk, from the audio description what have I really learned this far? A family moved with their station wagon and a tank through a rural area to an Army base, where the tank was offloaded. I don’t know what Garner looks like, but he has a uniform, and a sport coat. I don’t know what his wife Madonna/Ladonna looks like at all. She’s been given very little time. They have a teenage son, Billy, who has brown hair. They live in a one story brick house. garage? No idea. neighbors? No clue.
there are plenty of other soldiers on base, who get defaulted into being in uniform. garner visits the Captain’s office, they rode in a jeep, and Garner went out to the local bar. the bar on post is presumably called End Of The Hall, and has a neon blue sign, but when you go inside, it has a bar, and a female bartender. The description of the interior was limited. he met a friend there, who it turn out might be the black cast member, but no one has any racial definition.
Garner went to a diner, which had a bar,a “lady blonde” named Sarah, and James Cromwell playing pool while in uniform. He hit a woman twice, got his ass kicked, and Garner put the gun in a fish tank. So, the diner has a bar, pool, and a fish tank.
The Sheriff’s office has a racist Sheriff who was wearing a gray suit. the Confederate flags imply that he’s a southern boy true to the core.
There was one other army room, where all the soldiers met, and it had a podium. No idea of size.
Garner’s house has groceries, a ham in the oven, an alarm clock, a couch, and a bed for he and Madonna. he also draped his sports coat over a chair. Nothing about Billy’s room, or something like a tv. Even the mess hall we are in, is just a generic mess hall.
Now, the Sheriff shows up outside the Outpost Cafe. Is that the mess hall? He has a truck. Of course. He parks by a trailer. Inside, the Sheriff sees Sarah and Cromwell. He asks her about Wonder Woman and the Lone Ranger. The Sheriff is here to teach Sarah a lesson, which involves her taking off her underwear. The Sheriff beats Sarah’s bare ass, in a PG movie, with his belt.
Later, the Sheriff is on base. The Sheriff is trying to get Garner in jail. The military police reminds him that this is not his jurisdiction. The Sheriff calls the MP “boy”. The MP says if the Sheriff takes Garner, they’ll restrict the Army from going into town, which would destroy his economy. The Sheriff leaves, begrudgingly.
Back at his Sheriff’s office, the Sheriff wants to know everything about garner. this is before Google, so this should be fun.
Garner stands up for a woman on base who is being abused by a soldier, and is trying to talk some sense in him. Garner says the next time he feels like hitting his wife, he should hit him, which the soldier mouths off too, before Garner shoves him against a wall and yells at him. Chivalry is not dead in this film. Garner will stop all violence against women, with a tank… hopefully.
Garner goes home, and is talking to Billy about school, and food in the oven. We learn Billy plays basketball. Where? Are there other kids on base? A school? Billy also has a date already. Garner opens a beer. madonna is off shopping. Garner talks about the soldier who beat up his son (not his wife, I guess). Billy wants the boat to be named after the dead brother, and thinks the dead brother was his dad’s favorite. This scene is really poorly written, from a screenwriting perspective. I feel like I fell into an afternoon special.
Billy is at practice. He’s being watched by a coach, and a man in a suit.Billy has a dark haired teammate. Billy goes to talk with the Sheriff and Cromwell. Billy is summoned to a locker that isn’t his, with a lock on it, and rumors that Billy is selling pot. They of course find pot in the locker. I guess the base kids go to school in town.
Garner is at the Sheriff’s office later, because of course. Garner asks what he can do to get his kid out.The judge is the Sheriff’s brother-in-law. The Sheriff won’t talk turkey until Grner has spent some time in jail.
So, the Sheriff takes him to a prison. There’s a “dark skinned convict”. Garner watches the black man get beaten. The Sheriff knows about the boat, and wants 10K.
The Sheriff tells Garner not to bring a “Jew lawyer” down here. Wow. Garner is led to a cell where Billy is. C. Thomas Howell is struggling with acting in this film. Garner promises to get Billy out. They touch hands. Billy rests his head on the bars before flopping on the couch.
Madonna flips her shit at home. Madonna is off to find a lawyer.
The next day, Garner inspects some weapons. Madonna has the station wagon across the street. She honks at him.Madonna realizes Garner was right about the Sheriff.
Garner brings in a briefcase. Cromwell grins. the Sheriff admonishes Garner. The Sheriff says his son got sentenced to three years, overnight. The Sheriff mentions he has “degenerates” in the prison who can’t wait to get with Billy. Later, Garner sees Billy, who has been beaten up. Billy yells at Garner. “Because of your whore!” What is this movie? LOL.
Garner is at home. the audio description could be doing more here. There’s a photo being pulled off a buletin board that shows the brothers together. Garner is now in his room, lying awake in bed. 4AM.
A garage door rises.TANK! It’s the TANK! Garner is getting in. Time to blow shit up. I’m here for this. We get more description about the interior of the tank than any other interior in the film lol. This scene is so epic. The music is epic. Garner is getting into kick ass mode. This prep sequence is like 3-4 minutes. It is so much.
And we are off. the sun is rising as garner rides off.
A phone rings. the Captain gets a call about Garner and his tank. MP’s try and stop Garner at the gate. he just goes off road and through a fence. Sarah watches the tank go by her trailer. Cromwell sleeps on a couch at the station.
The tank’s cannon was knocking on the door. lol. Garner wants his son.Garner threatens to blow Cromwell apart. Sarah comes in, happy to help Garner, and Garner has her free his son and the lawyer we never met.Garner blows up the Sheriff’s car. Sarah is loving this.Garner drives through the police station once Sarah lets all the prisoners out. No sign of Billy or a lawyer yet.Townspeople come to watch the destruction. Garner destroys the Sheriff’s office, and a yellow car.
Garner makes Cromwell take his clothes off. Garner has Sarah handcuff naked Cromwell to a telephone pole.Sarah wants to join Garner in the tank. I bet she does.
And we are off to destroy more shit and rescue Billy! Garner finds Billy at the work camp. Billy is carrying a log. Garner has his cannon aimed. Garner blows shit up, convicts run, Billy lies on the ground, and Sarah lets him in through the floor.The Sheriff arrives. Garner aims at the truck, the Sheriff’s deputies jump out, and he blows the thing up. I assume the Sheriff wasn’t inside.
Garner rolls down the road. Some more deputies try and attack the tank, but the tank just rolls on through them.The Sheriff is calling for backup.Madonna is watching TV and hears about her husband, though she doesn’t seem to react.
By a river, Sarah bathes, and Billy helps his father. Garner explains his plan is to get to a different state for a fair trial.
The Sheriff tries to get the army to follow him.
Now, the Sheriff is trying to put his people at gas stations.A farmhouse, and a man with a gun shouting “who is out there?” We see he has a giant gas tank. Garner gets the jump on him, explaining he just needs gas. turns out, the farmer is a friendly, and willingly gives him the gas because he had a boy at the prison who died while there. He says his wife is a church going woman, and is praying for them.
The Sheriff gives a speech to the news. A news chopper spots the tank, but the tank disappears into a forest.The Sheriff goes to the man who gave up gas to try and attack him, to set an example, but that man is ready for them.
Now there’s a really long sequence here where people are fleeing, and some crazy country music is playing, and the audio description really could be jumping all in, but passively just says fuck it. there’s plenty of room here. they just aren’t using it.
The tank was apparently involved in that. Sarah accepts some groceries.
Sarah argues with Billy about his misplaced rage for his dad, who is a stand up guy. this scene works. Sarah makes some good points. The farmer tells Garner how to avoid the Sheriff.
“that pussy communist”- in a PG movie. love it.
Oh shit. The tanks tread broke. Garner is ready to fix it, if possible. Somehow, Garner gets hurt, but the audio description abandoned us. Sarah later binds Garner’s ribs. I’d love to know why. Billy says Garner is coughing up blood. Garner is telling Billy to save himself. Billy says he can drive the tank and get them across state lines. I’m glad he can do something, because acting is not his thing.
Garner and Billy have a nice moment. Billy also calls the Sheriff a cracker, so maybe the other guy wasn’t black, and we are just overusing cracker? Either that, or I’m really lost.
the news reports that students are supporting the tank. Everyone hates this Sheriff. Madonna talks to Billy over the radio, and apologizes to Garner. We also get a “son of a bitch”. Again, Rated PG.
A reporter asks Madonna why the Governor refused to see her. Madonna now gets to talk to the press, and her adoring crowd. People are eating this shit up. in the Governor’s office, he curses, and struggles with whose side to be on. He curses again.
The chopper is back. I know this because of sound effects, not because of the audio description. billy talks to reporters from the tank about how awesome his dad is. He’s so bad in this. He needs less lines of dialog.
“That’s my husband and my son in that tank with that 20 year old prostitute.”- best line in the movie.
Madonna is finally talking to the governor. Semis drive away from the roadblock, and a dump truck puts his dirt on the side of the road. The Sheriff has some cool new gun, and some guy can operate it. The Audio Description is nowhere on this. I don’t know what kind of gun this is.
We are back at the Governor, and I think the narrator died. RIP. Finally, some audio description about Garner holding his ribs inside the tank, and a marching band out to support the tank. The Sheriff is on a pile of dirt with an “anti-tank gun”. The tank rolls up the road. Deputies restrain the crowd. There are still a bunch of trucks blocking the road. Billy goes around the tank, and the Sheriff smiles.
The Sheriff’s man with the tank gun aims. I think he fired. The narrator abandoned us. The Sheriff seems angry. I hear gun fire, no AD. The Sheriff is openly firing on this while everyone watches. Inside the tank, Billy looks at his dad. A military helicopter arrives.
A random trooper greets the new army arrival, who moves to talk to Madonna. The bikers (there are bikers) start doing something. A biker lowers his helmet, leaps over a van, and does something epic. The biker crawls for the tank. The biker puts a cable on the tank. I guess they are going to pull the tank across state lines? Lots of gunfire.
The crowd pulls on the cable. Even the Governor joins in. There are really long gaps here where nothing is being described. No dialog. Just no description. I’m very frustrated.
The Sheriff is trying to claim victory by jumping on the tank, but the cannon knocks him off. This tank gets pulled, by humans, across the state line. Cromwell falls in the mud with the Sheriff. The Sheriff mumbles about perverts and communists. Madonna watches the tank approach.
People surround the tank as it crosses into Tennessee. Billy, Sarah, then Garner exit the tank. the crowd is cheering. It is 1984, before they had Netflix.
Billy kisses Sarah’s cheek. oh snap! Love is in the air?
Credits roll. I got it wrong. it is Shirley Jones. not Shelly Winters. LOL.
Wow. No one took credit for this AD track? Really? No wonder. There’s nothing at the end.
Well, that was an experience. tank was exactly as cheesy as i expected. C Thomas Howell is an awful actor in this. I’m not too familiar with all of his work, but he’s dreadful. I had fun with the film otherwise. However, this audio description track is staggeringly mediocre, to below average.
It abandons you during sequences where there’s no excuse. Clearly, something is happening. there isn’t dialog. Why aren’t you describing? This is a cheesy action film named Tank. describe the action. The locations were sparsely described. Transitions from location to location were missed. Madonna never got any substantial description. billy was really limited. Even Garner’s character was limited. the film avoided racial definition, until it wanted to show a deputy beating a black man.
And then, no one takes credit for it. this could have been written by Stephen King for all I know. produced by Lucky Strike. Narrated by Vladimir Putin. Who the fuck knows. Take some credit for your work, so i know who to be angry at. I’m not that angry, but there’s some annoyance here.
The first track I quality checked, Back In Action, was pretty solid. The second, Your Monster, had a few issues, but was pretty average. this one is decidedly below average. At some point, I have to acknowledge where the average audio description track is based on my hours and hours of consuming audio description, and factor in what this is supposed to do. it did not rise to the occasion. It did a little more than meet then meet the legal requirement to call itself audio description. Sitcoms and Talking Head Non-fiction are the two hardest things to describe, due to the non stop talking in those formats. This is neither. This had plenty of opportunities to flesh out characters, location, and action, and simply chose not to.
Grade time.
Tank- B+ (this movie is cheesy as hell, like an episode of Dukes Of Hazzard, and I’m here for it. If C. Thomas Howell took an acting class, I’d be willing to go higher.)
Audio description Grade: C- (I’ve certainly heard worse, but in no way is this a good track, nor should this be an example of one. the fact no one took credit for it, shows a lack of pride. I can’t imagine a company name at the end wasn’t allowed. It also makes me rule out a host of quality companies that always seem to get themselves credited. So, if it wasn’t one of those top companies, what bottom feeder company made this? If you want more people to hire you, isn’t the work you put out there the best representation of why people should choose you, or do you know this track is bad, and you don’t want to be associated with it? Hmmm?)
Thanks for checking out another Quality check.
