Put It In Your Mouth: Crap ‘n Cheese

For those of you who have taken the time to follow some of my adventures over on my personal blog, I would first like to thank you, then apologize. I’m Bat shit crazy y’all, and not much can be done about it.  I’ve been writing a lot about my recovery, what my life used to be like, and what it’s like now.  Part of what it was like has a lot to do with food.

I’m a Chef, at least that ‘s what I went to school for.  I held the career for many years and I still enjoy cooking to this day. I no longer do it professionally because that industry has nearly burned me to the ground…Anyway. I digress. I’m here to talk about food. All the food, good food, bad food, stories about food…

Because of the actions of my past, I had to go to jail.  Yep, me…in jail. It was awful, terrifying, uncomfortable and the food was shit.

I don’t know if any of y’all have ever been to jail, but I don’t recommend it. The guards are mean, even if you are nice to them, the inmates are mostly just biding their time till they are bailed out or let out so they can go back to doing exactly what it is that put them in there to begin with.  It was hard for me to understand it.  This was the last place I wanted to be in the world.  But some of these women were not even bothered by it, some of frequented this lovely establishment regularly and some of them preferred to stay in jail, rather than be on the outside, I just didn’t understand it.

The beds were thinner than panty-liners, the pillows were flat as pancakes and the sheets had questionable stains on them. But the worst part was the food…Jesus. It was bad.

I was only in there like a day and a half.  That was long enough for me. The first meal was breakfast…I had no idea what it was supposed to be, and I was so sick to my stomach from nerves that I could not bring myself to eat it .  There was this one lady in there…Let’s call her, Crazy eyes…Just because I can’t think of anything else to call her and she reminds me of that character on Orange is The New Black. Every meal that I could not bring myself to eat..she wanted pretty much any leftovers I had to give her..which was all of it…

You gonna eat that?

… I pretty much let her have all my food.  The one thing I did try to choke down was the Mac n Cheese. God help me, I have no idea why. Imagine if you took Kraft Mac n Cheese, and over cooked the noodles…then watered down the sauce, froze it…thawed it out, reheated  it in the microwave and then froze it, thawed it out again and then threw it on the floor, scraped it up and served it. That is exactly what that experience was like.  I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it was this:

         But it wasn’t, and I couldn’t.  I was so hungry, all I had eaten since I had been in jail were a couple slices of white bread and whatever they were passing off as kool-aid in that joint.  I was starving, but I just couldn’t with that mac n cheese. Crazy eyes was watching…she saw me take a bite, throw up in my mouth and run to the trash can. Yes, it was that bad.  She saw her opportunity and she swooped in.  I didn’t even have to say a word, we had a connection. She gave me the look, I gave her the nod..’That shit is all yours sister, enjoy’  She was overjoyed. It was like she had just won the lottery. She ate my entire portion, her portion, and the portion of about 2 other ladies who were also not impressed by the cuisine.

Never again…Never again will I go to jail if i can avoid it y’all.  I have learned my lesson…

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