Progress Notes for Patient 540463: OBAMA, Barack, H.

1/30/14:  I have been concerned that patient might revert to self-medication after his return from Hawaii, since I assume that he would not have returned empty-handed from the Islands of Choom. The moron thinks that his stash in a hidden compartment in the Resolute Desk is secret, but Valerie Jarrett checks it regularly so she can alert me when a joint is missing and I can expect an imminent increase in his paranoia.  When I arrived for today's consultation I found him trembling  and curled up in a fetal position on the hideous brown sofa in his private family apartment. "Doctor," he said, I have done something horribly ill-advised. When Putin called, before my SOTU address, I had just eaten a very generous bowl of Count Chocula cereal and, thus emboldened, I told Putin to "Piss off." If he  had replaced Count Chocula with Blueberry YumYum [a potent hybrid cannabis from Hawaii] the story would have been much nearer to the truth.  "Doctor, Putin is not a man to mess around with," patient said plaintively." What shall I do?  "Take one of these twice daily," I said, handing him a script for 14 Ativan. "...and keep off the weed. It will just worsen your anxiety."
I stopped at Valerie Jarrett's office on the way out to update her on patient's progress or lack of it.. ---Dictated by S.H.Rink. M.D.