Progress Notes for Patient 540463: OBAMA, Barack H.

1/4/14: In those few moments in Hawaii when patient was not on a golf course,  I have managed to get him started on a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, since I think a drug-free regimen is the best anti-anxiety treatment for a man who loves his  Blueberry Yum Yum. My aim has been to redirect some of the anxiety he  feels when he does not excel at something [which, in his case, means most things] I have recommended that he always wear a rubber band around his right wrist and pluck at it whenever he feels anxiety, and practice associating the sting of the elastic band with a calm, safe place, like his White House bunker,  that he can retreat to mentally until the panic wears off. No sooner had we boarded Air Force One for the long ride home when the onboard communications officer announced that he had Vladimir Putin on the line. Patient quickly made his way to his desk and picked up the phone. "Vlad? he asked. I was not permitted to be close enough to clearly overhear the conversation, but the Moron immediately began snapping the rubber band and continued to do so busily through  the entire conversation, which I take as a hopeful sign that I may be making some progress in reversing his acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.---Dictated by S.H. Rink M.D.