Family Magazine

Pregnancy Tests Are Expensive, and I Am Getting Fat.

By Rachel Rachelhagg @thehaggerty5

Convinced I was pregnant , I walked into the grocery store with one kid on my hip, and the other two holding hands trailing along. I had one thing to buy and one thing only. As we passed the Oreo’s tiny hands grabbed at them like a bat out of hell, but I pressed on. I needed that box.

Off brand it is, because if I am not pregnant I am going to be pissed I spent $25 on two tests. And if I am pregnant, I need to apply for a job at this store stocking pregnancy tests I guess, as to make me celibate. Teaching me a lesson, so to speak.

As if buying a pregnancy test with 56 children following behind you isn’t embarrassing enough, they have to shield it like it’s an atomic bomb in this plastic casing.

” Excuse me sir, are you allowed to open this for me?”

” Nah, just take it up to the front, they open it for you.”

I needed a large stretcher to place this big ass box on, so I called for customer service. After being told I couldn’t have assistance carrying the 50 Lb. box to the front in shame, my 4 year old daughter insisted that she wanted to carry it.

Great, that looks wonderful. Kids these days.

I made it up to the front with no major anxiety attack. As soon as I placed the large box that screamed of my sexual happenings with my husband, the cashier smiled. She smiled way too big. Just let me pay for this, and please don’t ask me….. Oh please don’t …..

” AH! I see you might be SPECTIN’. My God what will that be for YA, 4? MAN! “

Then she put down the commercial sized megaphone she was speaking into as I smiled and asked my cute two year old to tell her hello. I was killing her slowly in my mind with a large ice pick, that way no one would know it was me. The murder weapon would melt. 

The other cashiers seemed to be taking a poll of my future. Writing down their votes vigorously, they began holding up signs that read:





The list went on as I stood there feeling the need to defend myself. I am a MARRIED WOMAN people, and if I am knocked up that’s my deal.

I paid for the darn test, all my life savings came to an end.

” Do you have you MVP card dear?”

” Um yes, hang on. It’s in my wallet right next to my spare condoms.”

See, I’m responsible?


I am also not pregnant. It just turns out that I can no longer stay up until 1 am eating doughnuts and drinking wine. Finally at age 27 I need to start doing crunches to maintain my 12 year old figure.  Not everyone can wear Limited too jeans, and look 5 months pregnant.

I am not pregnant, just getting chubby. 

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Hue Are You? with Kim Hoegger

    You? with Hoegger

    Welcome to HUE ARE YOU? A weekly blog series exploring different creatives' views on color and its use in interiors, art and design. We will dive deep into thei... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Bridgetbeari
  • 10 Strategies For Rebounding From Startup Failures

    Strategies Rebounding From Startup Failures

    If you can’t deal with failure, then the entrepreneur lifestyle is not for you. Don’t believe that urban myth that all you need is a good idea, a little fun... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Martin Zwilling
  • Lance Armstrong Settles $100 Million Lawsuit with Federal Government

    Lance Armstrong Settles $100 Million Lawsuit with Federal Government

    Yesterday, former pro cyclist and Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong put to rest the final lawsuit that has been dogging him since he admitted to doping... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Kungfujedi
  • Actor Matt McGorry Does Some Serious Ally Work

    Actor Matt McGorry Does Some Serious Ally Work

    If you’ve watched How To Get Away With Murder or Orange is the New Black, you’ve seen the work of actor Matt McGorry. If you follow him on Facebook you saw him... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Danceswithfat
  • Trio of Climbers Make First Ascent of Jeannette Peak in Canada

    Trio Climbers Make First Ascent Jeannette Peak Canada

    The news of this story broke a week or so back while I was on the road, and it got lost in my email box until now. Still, it is a good story and I thought it wa... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Kungfujedi
  • Teach Anywhere

    Teach Anywhere

    Teach anywhere one of the best recruitment companies for teachers in the UAE. The Dubai City Company would like to review this company. With this in mind, this... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Dubai City Company
  • Khost - Governance

    Khost Governance

    U.K. duo khost released their third full-length album titled Governance in June of 2017.What Damian Bennett and Andy Swan have created is a nightmarish... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Ripplemusic