Pre-coffee Parenting: Just Say No.

I’m not a morning person. Not even a little bit. I wake up groggy, with severely inhibited decision-making skills. People say that when you get really drunk, the alcohol inhibits the judgment controlled by the frontal cortex and you make stupid decisions. This is *exactly* like me before coffee in the AM. Sleep-induced-intoxication. It’s a thing.

This is evidenced by several things:

1. I immediately reneg on previously awesome parenting decisions because my brain says, “They’ll fight. You can’t fight. Just say yes. Then sleep more.” I go to bed saying, “No TV on weekdays. They don’t need it.” I wake up saying, “Grumble. TV. Yes.”
2. I absolutely suck at being proactive before coffee. Every day I think, “I’m going to get up at 6 AM before (most of) of the kids, and get a jump-start on the day.” Then the Nerd’s alarm goes off and I think, “I work hard to take care of this family. And it’s not a hospital day. You should sleep in. Yeah, that sounds good…you’ve earned it.” I have not earned it. I really should be up before the kids. I blame sleepy “drunk.”
3. My breakfast choices need some work. Coffee is my breakfast. I’m trying to be better about that, but it’s my base. Some people are all, “I eat oatmeal every day to lower my cholesterol!” I’m all, “My cholesterol is awesome. Coffee.” 
4. I will always – always – choose the easiest breakfast for the kids. I’m trying to be proactive and prep things ahead of time (muffins, frittatas, berry compote for parfaits), but in all honesty, cereal and scrambled eggs with fruit win much of the time. Martha Stewart would have my head.
5. I’m teaching Punkin how to cook certain things – scrambled eggs, sausage, etc. – not because my primary concern is with her being self-sufficient; but because that means she can make breakfast while I drink my coffee and try to get my brain to do…something. Anything.
6. On my really bad days, like “newborn kept me up all night and now I forget how to put my pants on” days, I have thrown caution to the wind and let them eat whatever the heck they want if it means that they will just leave me alone. Maybe. This includes, but is not limited to: cookies and milk, leftover pizza, popsicles, and ice cream. Mother of the year.

We all know parenting under the influence is bad. But so is parenting without drinking [coffee]. I think it would be best if someone brought me coffee in bed every morning. It’s safest for everyone that way.