“And I love pancakes!”
“Now say it without using the sock puppet.”
[Extended pause] “Does this mean we’re not gonna screw?”
“Please submit all declarations of love in writing and allow four to six weeks for processing.”
“It’ll never work. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re an asshole.”
“Cool. Do you have your half of the rent?”
“Everyone loves me! Except me. I hate myself. And you.”
[Quizzically cocks head to one side, like a dog hearing a high-pitched sound]
“Not when you find out what I did to your toothbrush.”
“You didn’t say ‘Simon says!,’ Simon!”
“That’s just the chloroform and ball gag talking.”
“What is this thing called love? Seriously, it’s been sitting on the porch for a week and I’m tired of stepping over it.”
“You sure have a funny way of showing it, what with both hands around my neck.”
“At ease, private!” [They begin making out]
“Yes, but what about my pizza? I phoned almost an hour ago.”
“Would you be willing to state that under oath?” [Calls in notary public from next room]
“You’re the sorriest excuse for a dominatrix I ever dropped two hundred bucks on!”
“Prove it. Let me use your 10% employee discount at Walmart.”
“Prove it. Clean yourself up and swear off drugs and get a job and … nah, just pass me the bong.”
“Prove it. Move to Greenland and never contact me again.”
“I’m still taking half of everything, and the dog, and the kids have to live with you.”
“You’re the sorriest excuse for a panhandling mime I ever dropped a buck on. Also, you need to stop screaming, ‘Let me out of this goddamned transparent box!’ ”
[Leaning in and pointing at other person's nostril] “Booger.”
“Sorry, Axelrod, but the warden says we still gotta electrocute you tomorrow.”
“I don’t think you understand how haiku works.”
“What do you want, a medal?” [Pulls out heart-shaped platinum medal with "Love" emblazoned in rubies] “Here you go.”
“Shut the fuck up, E.T.! I’m trying to watch the CHiPs marathon!”
“Go fish. Do you have any jacks?”
“That’s it? I thought you were going to tell me that you forgot to bring the coupons.”
“Danke, mein Führer. And may I add that your English is excellent!”
“Now you tell me!” [Holds up empty pill bottle, slumps to floor]
