Peyton Manning Needs Me

When I started dating my wife years ago, I explained to her that I wasn’t one of those guys who watches ESPN eight hours a day like a bunch of her friends’ significant others. I really don’t give a rat’s ass about baseball, hockey, or college sports. So she never has to worry about not being able to watch The Good Wife or some other chick show because I want to see Gonzaga play Idaho State in basketball. The only thing I ask for is three hours on Sundays to watch Pro Football. Specifically, to watch the Chicago Bears, even though they’re the furthest thing from Pro these days.

We moved away from our beloved hometown of Chicago a few years ago but I still manage to watch every Bears game. Since the games usually aren’t televised on local channels, I have to watch at those sports bars that have a few dozen televisions around. The good news about all those televisions is that you can always have a clear view of your game and can still monitor how poorly your fantasy football team does.

The bad news is that you’re forced to see all the commercials on each and every television. Occasionally there’s a funny ad that’s worth seeing, but most are just stupid or boring. Every once in a while there’s a commercial that comes on that makes you want to take off a shoe and throw it at the screen. For me, it’s the Papa Johns Pizza commercials featuring Peyton Manning.

The commercials themselves are pretty innocuous. Even though I’m a food blogger, I’m not going to discuss the relative merits of Papa Johns pizza. Let’s just say that it’s not my favorite, but it does a good public service.

What gets me is that Papa Johns is a $2.1 Billion company paying a couple million to Peyton Manning to appear in the commercials. This is the same Peyton Manning who makes an average of $19.2 million a year from his football contract. All of that serious cash is flying around and there’s Manning wearing FRICKING DAD JEANS!

Look at those things. Those are straight off the discount rack at a truck stop. Don’t they have one gay there at Papa Johns that would’ve told him that’s not a good look?

And who the hell tucks their football jerseys into the their jeans?

I’m no marine biologist, but I do know a few things about fashion. And I can tell you there are many different trendy options for Mr. Manning.

Obviously, he has a buttload of money at his disposal, so he can buy the finest of Italian suits. Here, the jet black suit creates a striking silhouette and the splash of copper from the overcoat and gloves complement his honky complexion.

Staying with the black theme, he can also pull off an edgier emo look. The added bonus is that not even his most rabid fans would notice him on the street, thus giving him the time and space to listen to his Fall Out Boy collection, brooding.

Before coming to Denver, Manning played most of his career in Indianapolis and neither of those towns are bastions of trendy culture. Perhaps in his post-football years he’d want to be a hipster in Brooklyn riding a fixed-gear bicycle to his favorite pour-over coffee shop or local bar to eat some deviled eggs.

Since he’s playing in Denver, so he could totally pull of the hottest look right now – the lumbersexual. The look would also highlight his broad, manly shoulders and country boy charm.