I have always wanted to be *that mom.* The one with lots of kids running around the backyard, half of them not belonging to her. I wanted to be the place where the neighborhood kids could hang and sometimes I would have homemade treats waiting for them. After 9 years, I became that mom.
Then Smush ruined it.
There’s a very small wooded area bordering our house and the neighbors. It so happened that my kids and their kids were both exploring the “woods,” met, and became instant bff’s. They have four kids around our kids’ ages, and they’re fantastic. The kids are sweet and polite and slightly disheveled half the time. Just like mine.
They’re just starting out adventures in organic gardening and clean eating. Just like me.
The mom and I even wore the exact same outfit one day, totally by accident. It was destiny.
The best part: We all agree that helicopter parenting doesn’t work, and letting the kids wander between yards is just fine. Kids need a little freedom, and we need a little peace.
Then Smush happened.
Goo and I were at the hospital (again) and the Nerd was home with the girls. We finally got out and arrived home to find that Punkin and Smush were at the neighbors.
Don’t tell your mom, but I’m pooping on this fancy chair as we speak.
They had been there all day.
Umm, what? We just met them! We can’t wear out our welcome already! I NEED THIS TO WORK. I need the kids to go outside for long, long periods of time, where they aren’t messing up my house. Sigh. The Nerd assured me that the neighbors welcomed them with open arms, and for a brief moment I let go of my anxiety and embraced the fact that just maybe we had found the most perfect neighbors in the history of ever.
Cue this little anecdote:
Nerd: Awesome neighbor mom was totally cool with it. Smush even pooped in her pants and she cleaned her up and sent her back over.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say she pooped at the neighbor’s house? In her pants? With no diaper?
Nerd: Yeah. Don’t worry, I apologized.
Me: I’m finished. From here on out I shall be known as the mom who lets her kid poop her pants in other people’s yards.
Nerd: No really, it was fine.
I went next door to apologize profusely. Awesome neighbor mom reassured me that she was totally used to it (which I believed, because 4 kids in, you are up close and personal with poop). She then described how she wanted to clean her up herself because she saw Smush doing the walk of pride shame – legs bowed out, slow, steady movements, and a self-assured look on her face like what she did was totally cool. Because whatevs, it’s just poop.
In the neighbors’ house.
Squished all over your butt, and legs, and their bathroom – once you finally got there.
There are no words that can make up for that. This poor woman had to clean my little terror’s poop smears just days after we met.
Excuse me while I start packing.
