Is it possible to be on two opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time? If not, I'm defying laws of nature here because there is no neutrality in how I feel things.I'm constantly vacillating between feeling parched or being drenched, feeling heavy or feeling light. Right now, for me, there is no in between. Right now I feel it all at once.
Over the years, I've gotten really good at making hard decisions and have gotten really sensitive to the Spirit when it comes to my stubborn heart & His desire for me to follow His will. Although my obedience is usually delayed (in this case, it was derailed for 7.5 years), it does come. And when it does I always struggle. There's a certain freedom that comes with knowing that you're letting go of something that isn't healthy. But there's also a significant amount of sadness or darkness because you're mourning that part of your life.
And honestly, it's the strangest feeling. This week has been a week of bursting in tears at random moments. But it has also been a week of feeling excited about the next season of life and what God has in store. It truly baffles me how I can feel so drastically different within mere moments. At the same time it comforts me, because I know and I FEEL God meeting me in those darker, sadder moments. I feel Him responding and grasping hold of my hand. And I hear Him reminding me that He is trustworthy, that He fulfills His promises even if I take myself on a detour. I hear Him in song lyrics, in scripture, in the sounds all around me.
He sees me here. He knows me here. He has brought me here... even in my stubbornness, my disobedience & my pride, He is faithful.
Maybe He knows me beyond what I could ever imagine. And maybe in knowing me so intimately He knows that I need to vacillate. That I need to see the extremes in order to process and make the final decision of choosing to obey Him and follow Him. Maybe He allows me to stumble, to fall, to make mistake after catastrophic mistake so that I become infinitely more aware of His goodness. So that when I turn around after falling yet again & I see Him standing there, I trust that He will catch me. Every time. No matter what.
Come to think of it, maybe there's something amazing about vacillating.
