Hi everyone! I'm Tori and I blog over at Two Nuts and a Baby. When my husband and I first found out that we were one of the millions of couples that suffer from infertility, it felt like someone had sucked the air out of my lungs, the room, the world. To say I was devastated is an understatement.
My husband, James, was finishing his undergrad and I was barely supporting us working at a salon. Our only option, in-vitro fertilization (IVF) , didn't seem like much of an option at all. During that one doctor appointment I saw my dreams of pregnancy and motherhood slip away and a crushing feeling of hopelessness settled in that I felt would never go away. In the few months following that appointment I did everything I could to find a way to make IVF available to us. The more I looked and the less answers I found, the more I felt hopeless and bitter. It seemed like literally everywhere I turned, someone was announcing that they were pregnant. As horrible and immature as this sounds, I hated them for it. It was the happiest and most exciting time in these peoples' lives and I let jealously turn it into something awful. Of course I acted happy for them, but on the inside and at home, I was secretly hating them and blocking all of their Facebook updates. The only way I knew to get through this was to get pregnant, and that seemed beyond impossible at the time.
I continued to look for answers and eventually stumbled across a blog of a friend from high school. She was pregnant with twins, via IVF. For the first time in a while, I was truly happy to hear pregnancy news. She was my link to all the answers I was so desperately praying for. Through a series of events, we found our fertility specialist and discovered that our insurance would cover most of our IVF expenses. These two things gave me the faith that I needed so badly. If you've ever dealt with infertility at all, you quickly realize how many people will tell you "Just keep trying, just keep praying, just have faith, just... It will happen for you..." As much as I love the sweet thoughts and loving intentions behind these words, they don't really make anyone feel better. God has a plan, it is very different from our plan. No matter how much we pray or have faith, He is not going to change His plan for ours. Which is good, because God's plan is always way better and more thought out than our plan, I promise. So as we began our long IVF journey, I prayed that His plan would work out, and that I could understand it and be patient.
So we began! Hormone injection after hormone injection, blood draws, ultrasounds, more hormones... Then we had our egg retrieval. Everything went perfect! We had 21 eggs, of those 19 fertilized, and from those we had 8 that turned in to blastocysts and were ready to be transferred. We did our first transfer, 2 embryos, and waited to do our beta tests (pregnancy tests). The doctor didn't even understand, we were the ideal situation for IVF, but it was negative. I am so grateful for modern science and medicine and the huge blessing it has been in our life, but it takes more than a doctor, sperm, and an egg to get pregnant, we needed it to be in line with God’s plan and His timing too.
I was devastated from the news but I was still hopeful, so we rolled right into our next transfer. More hormones, more shots, more blood draws. Our transfer day came and I was ready and feeling more confident this time around. Sure enough, we found out a week and a half later it had worked. We were finally going to be parents! I was so excited, I ran out and bought my first maternity outfit. Since everyone in our family knew we were going through fertility treatments, we told everyone the great news. They couldn’t be happier for us. At 7 weeks we had our first ultrasound, we were finally going to get to see that little heartbeat! The ultrasound tech probed around for what seemed like forever. She asked me how far along I was, if I was sure I was 7 weeks. The baby was only measuring 6 weeks and 2 days. She assured us that this happened often and we scheduled an ultrasound for the following week. I prayed everyday that this sweet baby would just grow. When we went back a week later, the baby was even smaller and there was no heartbeat. We had lost the baby. After hearing my options I decided to let it pass on it’s own in its own time. A few days later the spotting and bleeding began. That night I just cried as I labored in the bathroom waiting for the physical and emotional pain to ease. I cried, I prayed, I sobbed, and prayed harder. I just wanted it to end and eventually the physical pain subsided and it was over. We had lost our baby though and we were back to square one.
Our specialist encouraged us to roll into another frozen transfer but I just couldn’t handle it at the time. I honestly wasn’t sure if I could handle it at all again. We took a break for a while to enjoy our holidays and try to get back to normal. After the New Year, we decided to get back at it and on February 2nd 2012, we had our third and final transfer. We only had 4 embryos left, 3 survived being thawed, and only 1 looked like it would turn into a viable pregnancy. It was a slim chance but we had a chance!
Ten days later, we found out we were pregnant, again! I was so happy but so terrified at the same time. I was so afraid that it was going to end in disappointment. As the weeks went on I became a little more confident in my pregnancy but there was always a huge part of me just waiting for bad news. At 20 weeks we were so thrilled to find out we were having a girl! I could just imagine what she was going to look like and she was going to be beautiful! Things continued to go well and after a big move from Idaho to Arizona for med school, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, she was 11 days early and still 8 pounds 2 ounces.
It’s been 2 years, this weekend, since our transfer that gave us Isla and as we prepare to start a fresh IVF cycle this summer, I am already getting anxious. No matter how your babies make there way to your family it’s always a new adventure when you’re preparing for the next one. IVF is a rough but beautiful journey that I am truly grateful I was able to experience. It taught me so much about life, hardships, and faith and I am so thankful for our little Isla and for everything she brings to our home. She was well worth the wait.
We would love for any of you who have story to share about IVF to link up below if you would like!
