Operators Are Standing By; Or Welcome to Monday

My brain has found itself in a rut lately. Initially, I was horrified, but, three beers in, I’m actually feeling kinda comfy.
My rut? I’m consumed with thoughts of poverty, with images of myself in line at a food shelf or making my lousy winter boots last another season.
But Pearl, my inner pioneer woman says, them boots done lasted you for eight years now! They’re fine boots!
And this is true. Them boots have lasted a good long time.
But what if they develop a hole, say, in October; and I can’t replace them? I can already picture myself at the bus stop, my feet wrapped in towels and stuffed into bread bags.
I need additional income. But I don’t actually want to work any more than I do now – between corporate work, writing, cleaning, serving, and yoga, who has time for toiling?
I’m tired of working the old-fashioned way. Working is for suckers.
I need a scam.
What do you think of this? You ready?
Dark-B-Gone.
That’s right! Dark-B-Gone! Are you tired of inadequate lighting? Are you confused by twilight? Looking for a dusk remedy? For only $19.99 I will share with you the secret of shadow removal, the techniques that the people in charge – do we need to use names?! – don’t want you to know!
But wait! There’s more!
For an additional $19.99 I will also send to you the many processes and procedures available for light eradication! Tired of squinting? The sun, fluorescent lights, even candles can wreak havoc with the eyes! Why use your pupils more than you need to? Try my tried and proven methods to eliminate this problem!
And just to show you how serious I am, here’s one technique for light reduction absolutely free! You ready?
Blinking! That’s right. Blinking. That one’s for free. And I have several – several! – other ways of beating illumination issues right here, right in my hot little hand, and they’re all yours for only $19.99.
E-mail now* and receive both these offers, both Dark-B-Gone and Dark Now, for just $39.98! Imagine the looks on friends’ faces when you possess the answers to questions like “Does it seem dark to you?” and “It seems awfully bright in here, doesn’t it?”
Contact me within the next 24 hours and receive, my gift to you, a genuine Certificate of Illumination, complete with hand-lettering and a naugahyde carrying case.
Hurry! Call now!
*Offer not available where people are using their brains.