2012 was filled with awareness...awareness of why I've been so stuck.
awareness of how I got to this place, a place I desperately didn't want to be.
awareness of things that needed to change.
But despite that awareness I walked around with an attitude of fear. Fear of the change I knew I needed. And even though I took baby steps of action (returning to counseling, working through some 12 steps on my own, starting to take more responsibility for my actions, etc.) there was not enough letting go. I constantly found myself falling back into old habits, struggling with addictions, making mistakes I thought I'd already learned from.
I went through life with one hand open, saying "God, I'm here. Use me, send me, do your will." But instead of opening the other hand, I kept it clenched tight... fearfully holding on to my past, scared to death of what would happen if I actually let go.
I need to let go. Of a lot of things. Things that have threatened to drown me for far too long. Things that shouldn't really affect me anymore, but do. Things that have so beautifully contributed to who I am but that no longer serve a purpose.
And I've know this for a while now (see! awareness.) but I haven't been TRULY willing to open that other hand in complete trust. By keeping one hand clenched tight I realize that I've been doubting God's will. I've doubted His sovereignty, His grace, His love, and His beautiful plan for my life.
The word "release" came to me in a counseling session as I was processing 2012 and looking forward to 2013. My therapist asked me a simple question: "What is your hope for 2013." And my answer was just as simple... one word: "release."
I didn't recognize just how significant the need to let go was until that moment. It only makes sense that this vision catapults me into this new year. I have tremendous awareness of the things I need to let go & I know that some of them may take longer than a year... but I'm eager to put them in motion. There is no fear surrounding it and no doubt. Only peace.
In the act of releasing that which no longer serves me or serves God, my prayer is to be covered in more & more peace. My hope is for freedom, for light, and for the ability to fearlessly open that other hand & truly trust in my Father. I eagerly anticipate the journey & everything that God brings with it!
