Business Magazine

One HUGE Reason Your Web Copy SUCKS, and How to Change It NOW!

Posted on the 16 November 2012 by Jarvisedwards @jarvis_edwards

website copyBullet points exist for a reason: Use them or lose them (your prospects)!

Another adventure fellow readers. I’ll keep this short and to the point as much as possible this round. It’s time to touch on the importance of bullet points to convey your message more effectively & profitably.

If your website’s copy looks like the following, you are probably losing payloads of credit card swipes, checks and/or cash. Time for the chopping block (you don’t necessarily have to read all of their boasting)….



We have been in business for over 15 years and pride ourselves in bringing the best service to our customers. Our engineers are all certified with the top industry credentials such as MCSE, CISCO and others. We have provided unparalleled service to a long list of clients including Coca-Cocal, Pepsi, Starbucks, The Gas Company, Ikea, Target, Walmart and many others. We make it a habit to make your experience with us pleasant. Our top-notch business solutions and technology experts can be trusted to do it right the very first time. If for some reason you aren’t satisfied with the results we will correct the problem and give you 100% of your money back at the same time for the inconvenience. Our team has the training and discipline to offer your company seamless solutions based on state of the art technology. We do this while your company can focus on running the business instead of worrying about technology woes.

Our clients depends on our company to give 100% toward keeping their systems in order and providing solutions in a collaborative environment to ensure current and future opportunities can be leveraged for maximum ROI. Our channels provide leading support to provide our customers services and support that rival and other company out there. We guarantee everything that we do and we guarantee a service level agreement that will keep your company supplied with the best support in the nation.”


Oh no!! My eyes are twitching from the clutter! Let’s take a look at several reasons why the congregated copy above is bad for business:

  • Hard to read, too jumbled (am I wrong?)
  • Ugly and boring
  • Not attention grabbing—nothing stands out
  • Seems to just go on and on, blah, blah, blah

I could also go on and on and on, blah, blah, blah…explaining why that copy is so bad. I’ve changed the name of the offending company to protect the “innocent,” but hopefully they see this and call me in a fit to fix their copy!

Let’s take a look at how we could spice up the copy above; first paragraph only.  (Hey if they want the whole shebang, they can call me, right?)



  • Our happy clients include Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Starbucks, The Gas Company and Ikea
  • Your downtime will be close to zero; our engineers are equipped with MCSE, CISCO and other top-level, professional certs.
  • We have a 100% money back guarantee if you aren’t fully satisfied with our work
  • We have a reputation for providing the best service in our [industry] for over 15 years
  • We do it right the first time, every time, or we fix it for free


Notice the difference? One is scan-able and can be read very easily, even if the reader is rushing. Moreover, the benefits seem to stand out and command the reader to pay attention. Notice how the very first bullet point includes their HAPPY CLIENTS? Yes, strategic placement of words, in a way that can be read without causing eye fatigue and frustration.

This may have seemed like an obvious tip, but you’d be surprised how many websites suffer from the crowded-words syndrome. Hopefully that just helped put a little more money in your company’s bank account. Unless of course, you’re running a Ponzi scheme. In that case you’ll have money in the account regardless, right?

If your company’s site seems like a story out of the great book of clutter, use these tips and see if your conversions improve. Then post a comment and let me know your results!

Until next time, remember:

Not ALL bullets are deadly.


Jarvis Edwards- Copywriter


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