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On The Rambles of Neil Monnery Alternative Queen’s Speech…

Posted on the 27 May 2015 by Neilmonnery @neilmonnery

Ah yes I'm sure you've watched or at least read about what the government are planning on doing via their official mouth voice - the Queen. Yet what if I was in charge? I'm sure that is something everyone has thought about in the past few days but don't you worry folks, no more lying in bed tossing and turning about what life would be like under me, I'll inform you all.

So here is my Queen's Speech, it may not be as serious as the real thing in parts...

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons, my government will legislate against Dion Dublin being part of the Homes Under The Hammer presenting team. It will be passed into law that Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander are the only presenters of this stable for the unemployed, students, those who are ill and those who work from home. Speaking about daytime TV we shall also reunite the Working Lunch team from the 1990s to get that show back on the air.

Papi Le Batard will be given his own TV show and not just appear on his son's, he'll get a talk show. We will also make it clear to ESPN that Brent Musburger should be restored to his previous position of #1 play-by-play announcer for College Football games on the ESPN/abc family of channels.

(Here is a reason why Papi is amazing - here is a video of him and his son talking about his escape from Cuba)

When it comes to sport, we shall make the Scottish Football League a summer league, allowing it to flourish in a time when there is naff all else on the telly. Tickets for top sporting occasions will also be capped so that clubs and associations cannot excessively profit from the public public. Test cricket will be added to the Crown Jewels list on the proviso of a simulcast with Sky so we can still hear Michael Atherton and Michael Holding. Sky Box Office will cease to exist and all Sky boxing will be added to the standard Sky Sports package.

Looking at Europe and we'll have closer ties with our European neighbours. We are a multicultural society and we should embrace that. The Isle of Wight will be kicked out of the union and will either become a Tax haven of the rich and famous or a prison colony, the country will have a referendum on this. Wightlink and Red Funnel either way will stop charging insane amounts for such a short journey.

Measures will be introduced to ban Speedo's from swimming pools and beaches up and down the country because who really wants to see that? The school day will be lengthened to allow children to engage will more activities outside of the curriculum but homework will be abolished.

When it comes to social media, legislation will be put in place that will force companies to ensure that they provide opt-out buttons for all baby pictures and comments about someone and their significant other and how in love they are. Looking at the House of Commons, the dress code will be relaxed so that if Caroline Lucas wants to wear a 'No more Page 3′ t-shirt then she will be allowed. Suits and so last century.

Two final pieces of legislation, during the southern hemisphere summer, George Calombaris, Gary Mehigan and Matt Preston will be invited over to the United Kingdom to present Masterchef - and do it the way the Aussies do it and finally Dion Dublin will be stopped from elbowing in on Martin & Lucy on Homers Under The Hammer. I know I have already said this but my government has it as a big priority.

So there we go. I might actually write a real alternative QS but also I may not. We'll see how I feel...

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