Notes on commitment (or lack of) and the fear of wasting my time. Post inspired by Sophia at Bailey Blushes. Commitment is arguably a lesser used term today. Bandied about with 'fear of' as its' favorite prefix or assumed as a terrible trait and 'issue', it's no wonder that our generation, the do all and be all generation, is paralysed with indecisiveness, worry and difficulties in making choices. Are we making the 'right' one? Do we have to 'choose'? Can't I have more? Can I have them both?
Let's face it, what we're dealing with here is an emotional buffet. The social media obsession that has saturated the twenty-something realm has, in short, given us too many options. In an instance, a tap, a moment, you can browse the perfectly filtered and captioned ways that others have spent their days. Can I commit to heading out for brunch when an insanely cool cereal restaurant has opened up?
Delve deeper though and I realize I am struggling with commitment. I've struggled with it for a few months. Commitment to a comfort zone that I promptly left out of fear I'd never experience more. Commitment to a person that you see minor flaws in yet knowing that no-one is perfect so why worry. Commitment to an inkling of something that had potential to be almost everything but worrying that once you've chosen, admitted it and committed yourself wholeheartedly, it could have the potential to end in burning flames. At the heart of it for me is the fear of wasting my time. It's selfish, I know. I'm terrified of putting my all, as I so often do, into something only for it to fail and fall in front of my eyes. For me, commitment is being wholeheartedly dedicated to something. I'm committed to writing as well as I can, to taking time to pore over my blog, research thoroughly to my copy at work, being a supportive, kind and caring friend/sister/daughter, and to being in charge of my own happiness.
For me it's also wondering if I can have better. The age-old mantra of the grass being greener on the other side. Being taught and inherently knowing that 'yes, you can have everything you want and more'. I know that I'm extremely lucky to have two countries at my disposal, I was lucky enough to be able to study and graduate with a First Class Honours degree, my family are unconditionally loving and my friends are amongst the best around, building me up when my confidence shakes and pulling me back down to Earth if I begin to lose my grasp. I'm successful in my career by my own doing, after internships from hell and becoming my own boss. I'm in the industry of most people's dreams. I have an opinion, a voice. Teehee I'm a British-born Chinese living her dream in Hong Kong. Yet I'm forever wondering if I could have more than what I have right now. Is this/that/he everything I can have? I'm terrified to commit to something, someone, and 'waste' my time.
It's time I shake it off, stop being so scared, make a firm decision or four and stand by them. Have faith in my own thoughts and doings. Trust, try and see it through whether to good or bad and know that you did your utmost in trying to succeed. No time is wasted if you're trying.
