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Old Dogs, New Tricks

By T.v. Locicero

There are signs lately that the old saw about old dogs and new tricks may be passé. Take that pathetic old rocker Ted Nugent, for example. Now so far past his way-over-valued prime that he reportedly needs a cane to haul himself on stage (sorry, I just made that up to be snarky), old dog Ted sounds like he’s actually learned a new trick.

Remember back in the day when predictably outrageous Ted would announce from the stage that “Obama should suck on my machine gun?” Well, now old dog Ted, a rabid Trump rooter, says he wants to tone down “hateful rhetoric.” After the shooting at a congressional baseball practice, newly sensitive old Ted said he’s decided to be “more selective with my rants and in my words.” A really heart-warming development.

And now Yours Truly may just be another old dog who’s learned a new trick. This past week I learned somewhere on our wonderful web (so of course, I know it to be true) that fully 7% of American adults think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Honest-to-god, someone did a survey.

Now this, to me, new fact has had important ramifications in what passes for my mental life. First, it re-enforces the truism I was forced to adopt about seven months ago that it is impossible to overestimate the stupidity of the American voter.

Remember the good ol’ days when every election cycle in this country always ended with some vapid commentator or other making a profound reference to the “wisdom of the American electorate?” Well, not so much anymore.

Last November I was convinced that the reason we got the presidential result that gobsmacked so many of us was that 54% of white women voted for the short-fingered pussy-grabber currently occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m thinking it might well have been the chocolate-milk-from-brown-cow crowd who put him over the top.

Think about it. It took only about 70,000 votes to move Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and my own benighted Michigan into the electoral college win-column for Dumbfounding Donald.

Surely, with 130 million votes cast nationwide, even including the 3 to 5 million illegals who gave the nod to Cheating Hillary, that idiotic 7% could easily have swung things for the Constitutional Catastrophe we’re now stuck with.

So what else do these HIDs (Hopelessly Ignorant Deciders) think? What other interesting little facts might they credit? My guess is that because of the color of his hair (or whatever that swept up stuff is up there), they’re sure he shits gold bricks, and if they could just gain access to the presidential toilet, they’d be set for life.

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