I’ve talked about my anxiety and depression here before because I think it’s important to let others know they’re not alone. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life but until about 7 years ago, I didn’t have a diagnosis.
Up until then…
I thought I was just paranoid.
I accepted the fact I was a hypochondriac.
It was manageable and only affected my day-to-day activities from time to time.
But 7 years ago, it became unbearable. And around the same time, depression started to kick in as well.
People hear you’re depressed and they think that means sad. And yes, that’s part of it. But there’s so much more.
You don’t feel happy at all, when you know damn well you have every reason to be.
You lose interest in things you used to love doing.
You’d rather be alone.
You’re exhausted and completely unmotivated.
Everything in your body hurts.
You just don’t feel like yourself.
Now of course these “symptoms” are different for everyone. But these were the types of things I was feeling and I decided to go talk to someone about it and see if I could work it out that way.
It was nice to get things off my chest. It felt good to have someone listen to me who understood what I was dealing with. But it wasn’t enough. So I asked if medicine were an option.
She said it was and if I felt like therapy wasn’t helping, I could try going on medicine.
So I did. And I was on medicine until I got pregnant when it was unsafe for baby. I also couldn’t take it while nursing, so there were times when I wasn’t on it and things were fine. Totally manageable.
But a year or so ago, I noticed it wasn’t doing it’s job anymore. I started feeling really anxious and sad again. And then I had my first panic attack and it scared the shit out of me. So I saw my doctor and they added another pill to my cocktail. And things were okay for a while and then boom, not working again. And I felt really hazy and like I was watching my own life happen from someone else’s body and I hated it. So I made the decision to go off both meds and just give my body a fresh start.
I tried to wean by myself the first time and failed miserably. I was having mad withdrawal symptoms and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I started taking one of the meds again and scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I told her I wanted to get off the other one and she asked me why. I explained that I wanted to try some more natural approaches and just wanted everything out of my body. She said it probably wasn’t a good idea but it’s my body and that’s what I wanted to do.
So I weaned off the meds again and withdrawal was minimal. But here I am, a month and a half off medicine and I feel super anxious and depressed. I’ve got a lot going on so I know that doesn’t help the situation. But I’ve been researching and looking up every way possible to deal with this naturally.
I’ve been taking St. John’s Wort and Saffron.
I’ve been drinking Chamomile tea at night.
I’ve been using my Essential Oils daily.
I’ve been trying Alpha Stim.
I plan to start exercising again once we move home and things get a little more normal again.
I haven’t found a therapist I like yet but that’s something I want to look into too.
And while I’m hopeful all of these things will make a difference, I’m not opposed to going back on medicine if I need to. My doctor has always left the decision up to me but has said that sometimes, some people just need to be on medicine. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It’s all a work in progress right now. And I share this because I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And if you’ve been through this, I want to hear your experience. I’m here for you… even if it’s just through email and social media, friends. I get it… and I’m here for you. XOXO.
You can read more about my journey with anxiety in the posts below:
The truth about anti-depressants
Honest moment because I’m human too
Update: Living with anxiety and panic disorder
How paying it forward reminded me of my daily struggles with anxiety
Living with anxiety and panic disorder
People with anxiety aren’t crazy
