April First – MN GOP proposes mandatory gun education for all K-12 (April Fool edition)
- April 1, 2013
- Dog Gone
We’ve seen the proposal that we arm school employees – teachers, principals, janitors, librarians, etc. Now the MN GOP proposes we make firearm safety and firearm proficiency mandatory, similar to the way it is taught in military-style academies. By doing away with gun free zones, they reason schools will be less attractive places for shooters like the late Adam Lanza to try to rack up high kill numbers on easy targets trying to top the number of kills of other mass shooters, as if the real killings were game scores.
The NRA and other pro-gun advocates have for a long time claimed that gun free zones are a temptation to shooters, despite the indications that most mass shootings occur in public locations where guns are allowed, and that states with lax gun laws have more shootings than stringent states. The concern here is that we need to get ahead of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
The other problems that could be solved by arming kids and teaching them to shoot, beginning in elementary school, is that we would no longer need to address the issue of bullying. Pro-gun advocates have long asserted that an armed society is a polite society, therefore, no child will bully another child who could turn around and shoot them. Even small children understand the primitive principle of retaliation.
Local right-wing bloggers support the idea, noting that if we teach people to be better, more accurate shots, the gang violence problem will take care of itself, as they eradicate each other, while more accuracy will result in fewer shootings of innocent bystanders. More than that, by introducing an activity that will appeal to their aggressive tendencies, we will be reversing the feminizing influences that conservatives have long asserted are a plague on our schools, making them too kind and gentle, and focusing too much on learning, which requires students to sit still. This will get them up and moving, more than just sitting around engaging in simulated game violence for fun (but not too much, because they don’t want to support the physical fitness agenda of first lady Michele Obama.)
Now that we are allowing women into more combat positions, it will help them if they start learning how to shoot in pre-school, or at the very least, in kindergarten. For those geeks and nerds who can’t pass the physical, the fun of shooting real weapons will channel their interests into more modern military action games, away from fantasy combat games, resulting in a larger, better trained pool of future potential drone operators.
The Michele Bachmann Society of St. Cloud weighed in, in support, but demanded that there be funding for those who home school to receive some form of subsidy to cover their private gun training, and the NRA foundation promised to provide subsidies to parochial and charter schools to help them meet the new education requirements. Wayne La Pierre posted a video on the NRA web site, noting “The only way to stop bad kids shooting other kids in schools is with a good kid knowing how to shoot back with a school-provided gun!”
Michele Bachmann’s office in Washington DC issued a press release, announcing she would be appearing later today on Fox News to discuss how the new proposal in the state legislature will create more jobs in the private sector, with more entrepreneurs opening gun ranges across the state adjoining schools. She vowed immediately to draft new legislation prohibiting strict regulation of all gun related businesses, especially any kind of shooting ranges, so that too-strict regulation would not interfere with these start-ups. “I know that everyone is capable of those common sense solutions without big government telling them how to stop bullets going through their walls. No one is going to want to shoot up their own property, so we shouldn’t unduly burden these new businesses with safety regulations that are anti-capitalism. Let people figure out for themselves what works, and let the invisible hand of the free market make these important adjustments rather than government.” She also promised to seek new special ‘targeted funding’ to promote this kind of training as a patriotic function of government, “We don’t call this kind of government subsidy earmarks anymore. We don’t do earmarks. Now we do targeted funding instead. It’s the same thing, only different and better.” She also proposed that until the legislation had a chance to work, there should be no tracking of statistics involving children shooting either children or adults, so as not to prejudice assessments of the legislation’s success.
Bachmann’s spokesman noted that the congresswoman further was inspired by reality-inspired movies like Red Dawn (not so much the remake) that demonstrate how important it is for our young people to be able to be confident and capable with guns, in the event that a foreign power ever invades the United States by defeating our military. Because clearly, any military force which can defeat our armed forces will not be able to subdue an armed populace that relies on the children as ‘gorilla’ fighters using standard firearms. Because of that inspiration, the CD6 Congresswoman would seek additional funding for the Minnesota legislation from expanding the Pentagon budget.
Conservative religious leaders came out in support of this proposal, noting that the family that plays together, including shooting sports, were a traditional family that was more likely to pray together and stay together. They also noted that it would be an excellent deterrent to clergy who might otherwise be tempted to engage in pedophilia if children were capable of fighting back with lethal force. No longer would threats of killing parents or siblings if they told anyone be effective to silence victims.
Having children who are firearms proficient could help reduce domestic violence. We are all familiar with how well the potential for mutual annihilation worked out in the cold war as a deterrent to attacks, while at the same time providing greater security for the traditional family in the home. No man (or occasionally woman) would dream of beating the crap out of their spouse or intimate partner if she and any children in the house were ready, willing, and capable of blowing him (or her) away. Likewise, the legislation was offered as a means of deterring incest. In order to make it easier for children to practice firearms safety and competent shooting skills, the Koch Brothers offered to fund those movements that were already arming people in high crime areas, mostly single women, with shot guns with additional funding for families that couldn’t afford to buy firearms, targets, and ammunition.
Right wing pundits predict that after overcoming initial skepticism, people will be so pleased with the results, that support and membership will grow for the tea party and the MN GOP, just in time for the 2014 election cycle, but before enough things can go wrong to alienate people from the MN GOP. “What’s good for the party is good for the country, and good for the rich. The rich have guns, now you can be just like them, except for the being rich part”, said the spokesperson for the Minority leadership.
This was intended to be satire in the same vein as Jonathan Swift’s 1729 essay, ‘A Modest Proposal’, aka A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public which offered the idea of child cannibalism and kid’s skin for gloves in response to rampant poverty in Ireland. Every argument offered here is simply a very small extension of existing arguments offered by the right for expanding vigilante justice, and reducing gun regulation. If it seemed credible to you, if just for a brief moment, then it was a success; you’ve had your leg pulled, maybe your chain yanked (just a little). April Fool! May the exercise serve to prevent us being fools the rest of the year.
