Mars + Facebook Down = End Of The World

“There is water on Mars! There is water on Mars!” screamed Lidia, our present secretary here at the offices of Long Awkward Pause. Lidia generally has time for such revelations because all she does all day is check Facebook and play Candy Crush.

To her defense, there is not much else to do.

We generally do not receive a whole lot of phone calls or foot traffic through the front door…with the exception of a food delivery or Rant’s daily gun wax shipment.

“What do you think that means?!” Lidia asked each one of us. She grabbed me by the collar and shook me so I hard I dropped my Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip Granola bar. She was breathless. “What….does…that…mean? Life? Life on Mars?!”

“I don’t know!” I responded back, bits of granola in my teeth. “I’m guessing women with three boobs?”

Lidia stopped and looked at me in such utter disgust like I had just pooped my pants. (Which I hadn’t done since Kindegarten, FYI!)

“What are you talking about?! This makes no sense! Three boobed women?!”

I laughed. “Have you never seen Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzeneggar?”

Lidia grabbed my cheeks in her sweaty hands. “Don’t you understand you childish, little man? This is the find of the century! This means there might be life on another planet! And all you can think of is some dumb movie?!”

“Well…” I stammered. “Sort of…come on! She had three boobs!”

Lidia stomped off to go find someone else to talk too, which allowed me to go to my laptop. After a quick Google search, I came across an article on the NY Times website.

Quickly skimming through it, it said…and I quote:

Blah, blah, blah…picture of Mars…blah, blah, blah….water…blah, blah, blah…some scientist….send a ship to Mars in 2020…blah, blah, blah….“That’s a direct detection of water in the form of hydration of salts,” said Alfred S. McEwen, a professor of planetary geology at the University of Arizona…blah, blah, blah…The researchers were able to identify the telltale sign of a hydrated salt at four locations. In addition, the signs of the salt disappeared when the streaks faded. “It’s very definitive there is some sort of liquid water,” Mr. Ojha said…

So….

If I am to understand this right…

Through my thorough, but quick skimming of this article on the NY Times website, that someone so painstakingly researched and talked to several actual NASA scientists about….

We actually did not find water, but hydrated salt…which is the result of water once being there…at some point…in the history of a billion-plus year old universe…

I wasn’t quite as moved to hysterics and tears as Lidia was, but I was able to give a rather impressive, “Hmmmmm!” out loud.

Just as I gave my rather impressive, “Hmmmmm!” out loud, suddenly Facebook went dark!

I saw Ned stand up from his chair and say, “Hey, suddenly Facebook went dark!”

Jack also stood up from his chair and said, “Yup.”

I stood there for a second. Suddenly, things did not feel right. The hairs on the back of my neck were tingling, so I quickly moved away from the air conditioner and they stopped.

My stomach dropped.

I came to the realization that Facebook went down just as NASA released information that they found hydrated salt on Mars.

My brain started clicking and going into overdrive.

Facebook went down.

Mars has salt.

Salt was there because water was there at some point.

Water supports life on Mars.

Life on Mars are Martians.

Martians have three boobs.

Martians surprise attack Earth because we discovered their existence.

Martians are sneaky and shut down Facebook as their first wave of attack!

Martians hate Facebook. Martians prefer Twitter.

I quickly open up my Twitter and searched for: Martian Invasion. I find this account: @marsinvades.

There are no tweets from this account. It only has 11 followers.

I assume all 11 are Martians.

©WARNER BROS. PICTURES The Martian ambassador disembarks from his spaceship in

I thought maybe I should tell Lidia my findings, but she had already quit for the day. She left in haste leaving behind a half eaten Twix bar on her desk and her computer open. On her screen was this image: