Marriage Advice: Can Conflict Be Positive in a Relationship?

I was riding up to the North Georgia mountains this past weekend with my grandchildren and thought I would ask them a question about conflict. So I asked my 9 year old and my 6 year old if all conflict is bad. To my utmost amazement both answered “no.” Curious enough, I asked why. My 9 year old gave this answer.  She said, “Because without conflict, people arguing for their side, there couldn’t be a solution.”  She also said that everyone has different viewpoints and that hearing what others say can be a learning experience or help to look at something a bit different from their own.

Out of the mouths of babes, as they say, when a child says something that surprises you because it shows an adult’s wisdom and understanding of a situation.

Most of us don’t like conflict. And very few people likely see conflict as being part of marriage advice! Some of us are more people pleasers and some of us are just plain conflict avoiders. Actually when you think about the word “conflict,” for most it has only a negative connotation.

For example, as seen in Dictionary.com conflict is defined as:

1. To come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition;
2. To fight or contend: do battle

Now reading those definitions doesn’t exactly sound positive or like marriage advice in any sense of the word! However, I am challenging the above and here is why. Conflict is inevitable. We all will be in some conflictual situation sometime in our lives.   The trap many fall into is withholding our feelings and falling into a passive-aggressive anger, smothering the conflict and letting it leak out in unhealthy ways.  Stuffing feelings can create a volcano type of reaction in a relationship.

On a positive note, conflict can be seen as having a difference of opinion, and we all have those quite regularly during our daily existence. We do not see eye to eye with everyone, the least of all, of course, our partners.  Conflict can help us clarify the real issue and confront what is at stake in order to see how to resolve the issue before it gets too large to handle. If handled appropriately, conflict can also be a learning experience to create greater emotional closeness, define who we are to our significant other, and pinpoint an area in the relationship where an adjustment needs to be made or marriage advice given.

On the other hand, unidentified, un-discussed, and unresolved conflict can have damaging results!  It raises stress and lowers the immune system. It can also lead to misunderstood feelings, emotional distress and distancing from each other. But we must know how to express conflict in a respectful and loving way, and know priorities of which battles are worth fighting.

As Abraham Lincoln said when he was facing conflict of a torn nation, “Let minor differences, and personal preferences, if there be such, go to the winds.”

Conflict is not something to be feared.  It is a normal part of any close and healthy relationship and it is an opportunity to grow. My marriage advice for using conflict wisely is this:  Remind yourself to stop and calmly assess the conflict, take a deep breath, express your feelings using “I” statements and listen to your partner’s perspective.  Using conflict to grow closer together will help you have a forever marriage – the gift of a lifetime.