Do you often feel you need to be fused with your spouse or significant other? Do you ever get obsessed with each other’s feelings and problems to the neglect of your own? Do you feel that you are responsible for making each other happy? If any of your answers were “yes,” then it’s time to listen up!
Did you know that these things are signs of an unhealthy level of attachment?
Let me explain. Being in love doesn’t mean you give up you. Actually it means exactly the opposite! Being in a healthy relationship means having a loving detachment, a healthy concern about each other while still letting go.
Being a whole person, with your own thoughts, desires, and dreams makes you a person who that special someone wants to be around. Pursuing your individual needs without feeling guilty, acting in your behalf, and being in charge of you is exactly what makes you very attractive to yourself and others.
But if you try to mold yourself to the expectations of another, you lose you. And “you” are the one who was chosen from all the rest.
Instead of trying to be the same as your partner, let your relationship be the joining of complementary differences. Create a relationship in which the ways you are different are nurtured, not submerged in the pursuit of a bland sameness.
Honoring the differences with your significant other takes work and communication, though. Variety and difference can be the spice of life, but without proper handling, can burn!
To let your differences work for you as a couple, be sure to keep seeking to learn from your partner. Try to see opportunities from a different perspective. Even develop some new hobbies. Keep growing as a person without losing who you are. Detach for your own sake and have a relationship of choice.
My friend’s husband passed away recently. She shared that one reason they had a good marriage was because they never expected the other to give up their uniqueness. In fact, each year on their anniversary she would ask: “Do you want to sign on for another 2?” (always doubling the number). Of course the answer was always “yes.” They practiced a “loving detachment.”
Embrace the ways you and your significant other are different. View them as a gift – they are the gift of you and all that you are!
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