Love & Sex Magazine

"Love is a Friendship Set on Fire" - Jeremy Taylor

By Sassarella Says @cnigara
The age old question: can men and women be friends? (Watch that clip, it explains life pretty well). But anyway, I mean real friends, like tell each other everything, spend a lot of time together, and share real experiences. Not just the kind of friends you have when you're out drinking or working, etc. I tend to believe not. I tend to believe that one or both parties always want to have sex with the other person. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, for instance, a homosexual man and a woman can be friends but let's just assume I'm talking about two heterosexual human beings. My theory was proved to be correct when I spent time over my Christmas vacation with a very good friend, who I used to date, then didn't anymore, then wanted to but didn't, then he did but I didn't, and yada friggen yada. Since almost all of my relationships are up and down, back and forth, I will give you a hint...I'm talking about THIS one aka Bob. Since the summer debacle, we have become very good friends. We talk pretty regularly when I'm in DC, we are there for each other for late-night drama support, and we swap music. I knew things could get interesting as I headed home to the dirty Jerz for Christmas.
We saw each other a few times. The first time was very friendly. We sat on opposite sides of the couch, watched television, caught up on life, but mainly just goofed around singing along to Lady Gaga. To describe the level of comfort between us, I'll put it this way, I did not hesitate to walk in his front door exclaiming, "I just had dinner at Nonna's and have a massive food baby!" I looked at him several times over the course of the night really trying to figure out if the guy I was looking at is a guy I'm meant to be with or if he's really and truly just a very good friend. I was extremely curious as the week went on and continued to see him in an attempt to figure it out.
The next time I saw him we were dressed and looking hot for a night out with all of our friends. We got drunk, talked about "us," and kissed in the rain (of course we did). And then of course this whole "we're really good friends" thing got fuzzy. We met up the next day to talk about what happened but I pushed for the group hang out for a bit longer. I wanted more time to gather my thoughts more clearly and I wanted to just let it flow, I was having fun with the guys. Later on our talk consisted of him telling me how serious he is this time that I am what he wants. And although I have little reason to trust him, I do. I can see it in his face, in his eyes, and hear it in his voice that he means it this time. He's not messing around. As for me, within the conversation I still could not make up my mind about him (shocker!) but what I was, and am still certain of, are the following: we live in different places with very little opportunity to see each other, the time we spent together over this past week was easier, more comfortable, and felt more right than it has in years, but that I don't want to be in a relationship with anymore at the moment (especially one that is long distance), and that clearly men and women cannot be friends.
Other than that, I'm not quite sure of anything. I was curious enough to keep seeing him all week but would shy away from making too much of a physical connection. This confused me because I am so comfortable with him. I didn't expect anything life changing to happen but I actually found myself very shy in that regard. A contributing factor is absolutely my hesitation about making physical connections to anyone right now. I'm more guarded than I've ever been in my entire life and only plan on letting the guard down for something or someone I'm certain I want to commit to %150. Another factor is helllooooo we were limited to our parents' basements...very high school and very out of my element these days but it's mainly the previous reason. I'm attracted to him but I'm also very aware of the consequences should we decide it's not what we want.
We parted on a good note. I believe this: I have no idea what will come of this "friendship" but what I do know is that should it never turn into something more than a great friendship, we both had a lovely holiday. I've never been more of a believer in "what's meant to be will be" than in this stage of life so that's how I have to look at this situation.
Now in true Sassarella form, which he knows all too well, I am almost completely incapable of holding anything back on this g.d. blog so here it goes. Why am I hesitating? There is the obvious reason: location, location, location! We live in different places and I have no intention in the near future of changing that. The other obvious reason: I'm in no place to make a commitment to anyone at the moment. I am very content on my own. And then there are the girly, outlandish, and somewhat looney toon reasons. See the thing about him is that because we have so much history, because I know exactly how he feels, and because I know that he is a great guy, that committing to a relationship with him means potentially committing for quite a long haul. I know he could be going into it like THIS.IS.IT (or we would both at least have the thought every now and then) - we've got our great story, we both want to own a friggen restaurant, and we'd finally be on the same page. I'm his lobster!
But as much as I like him (or could like him should anything happen), I can't quite see that yet. I think that not being able to see that yet is totally acceptable for a 22 year old woman but to tell you the truth, I still have this vision. I have a vision of this tall 27 year old, wearing a great coat, with a fabulous head of hair, and a scarf walking into a trendy bar and asking me out. I have a vision of this person, who of course doesn't really have a face but is just kind of a blur, asking me out and then getting that feeling like "no, now see, this is really it." This faceless man always appears to me in times like this when I find myself hesitating.
I know he (the real life person) will read this post so the last thing I want to do is make him feel as though he's competing with a faceless man because that's not the case. My point is that, and this is nothing he doesn't know, that I'm hesitating for all kinds of logical and crazy reasons but am still curious enough to let it play out. And like I said to him, that knowing us, even if it fizzles for the time being, I'm sure we'll try it again in another year! (lol) But really, we do this every like 6 months, it's ridiculous.
Anyway, Sassarella Says...with very few exceptions, men and women cannot be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. He and I try to be friends but always end up making out in the rain and questioning our friend relationship all over again! Also, in this case, taking a chance is not an option. We've hurt each other too many times to simply give it a try and see what happens. To be in a relationship with him would be like wanting a tattoo on my face, I gotta be fully committed. So until I see his specific eyes, noes, and mouth as the faceless man (and I'm not saying that won't be the case one day) that I have to let it lie. If you're hesitating at all about something, it's probably for a good reason so pay attention to it! I'm hesitating right now for geographical and fantastical reasons, therefore, I know that it's not right to fully commit to him, to us, or to our potential future. That's not to say that my hesitations won't go away but for now what we've agreed to do is all I have to give. I can't force myself to give more, I can't force us to live in the same place, and I can't force the feeling that's not letting me fully commit to go away. And that's just that.
P.S. I was explaining some of this to my mom last night and
we had a very Seinfeld moment. "Really?" she asked. "That's so funny you say that because I keep seeing this Audi commercial but the first time I saw it, for whatever I had the thought,  'this is Christie's guy' like this is the kinda guy she'll bring home. Six feet tall, the jacket, the scarf..."
Of course if my life was an episode of Seinfeld, I would meet him on the
street, date him for awhile but eventually decide he's not quite sponge-worthy!
After we watched it on YouTube, she made sure to mention that on tvthey cut out the part when he's stupidly waving in the window,"Oh, I've never seen the part when he looks stupid, your guy won't be stupid"Soooo does anyone know his name and number?

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