Humor Magazine

Long Live Queen Isabella I

By Ben Anderson @Benjaminfa


The birth of a new prince – like glimpsing the lion and unicorn on the masthead of The Age in Melbourne or a traffic jam caused by work on Elizabeth Quay in Perth – reminds Australia who is in charge.

No matter how foreign our fields are to the Windsors, they will be England if not forever then at least for the foreseeable future.

And that is the problem I have with our current system of constitutional monarchy.
I like how the royal family float above the petty bickering of politics. We may not get a say on our head of state but when the choice of our next head of government is between a god-fearing, boat-hating fiscal conservative or Tony Abbott, does it really matter?

I also appreciate the romance of the monarchy. No-one ever killed a dragon to win the hand of the Prime Minister’s daughter.

No, what I don’t like about the royals is when push comes to shove, they support the other cricket team during the Ashes.

But what if there was a way to get all good things about monarchy, the government stability and wimples and everything, but with that Australian made sticker?

Who remembers when Princess Mary was a thing? Way, way back in 2004 before Princess Kate and Lady Gaga she was the celebrity par excellence sent by Diana herself to provide content for women’s magazines.

She may have been the wife of the future King of Denmark but we knew deep down down she was just ordinary Mary Donaldson from Hobart. She even had Powderfinger play at her wedding. You can’t get more middle-of-the-road Aussie than that.

So through the magic of marriage she became Crown Princess Mary, fashion icon and proof Australians had the poise to mix it with the social elite of Europe.

Crown Princess Mary set about her royal duties of waving at crowds and producing heirs. She proved good at both these duties and in 2005 she gave birth to Prince Christian, currently second in line to the throne of Denmark.

Princess Mary gave birth for a second time in 2007, this time to a girl named Isabella.
What does the future hold for Isabella? She could compete in the Olympics like Princess Anne. She might be photographed kissing Brooklyn Beckham at the 2025 Brit Awards. Or she could do something even more impressive.

Think about, half Australian, of royal birth, our country looking for a change in a head of state. Long live the glorious Queen Isabella I of Australia. We may still be a monarchy but now lady on the back of our coins will be a local.

As far fetched as this idea sounds, there is historical precedent. European royal house, left childless by rampant inbreeding and assassinations, would often ask each other for spare monarchs to fill a throne before the peasants got any crazy ideas about democracy.

Jean Baptiste Jules Bernadotte, the youngest son of a French laywer, joined the army in 1780 and rose to the rank of general. He was promoted to the rank of prince by Napoleon.

In 1810 he was elected King Karl John of Sweden and Norway and three years promptly invaded France. Now I’m not suggesting Queen Isabella’s first act be the invasion of Denmark but it is something to consider.

And remember Queen Isabella of Spain was instrumental in funding Christoper Columbus’ voyage to the New World.

Imagine what our new Queen could do? Maybe the first person on Mars could be an Australian.

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