If the holiday season wasn’t bad enough for you, don’t forget that it’s not over yet. The stress and overeating of Thanksgiving that kicks off the month of consumer fetishism doesn’t end when the fat, red-velour-clad toy pimp coke-snorts his way back up your chimney. The insipid holiday muzak might stop, but the capstone of our season is New Year’s. Yes, I put the damn apostrophe before the S.
Tasked to kick off the 2015 blogging year, I’m focusing on the trite habit we have of making resolutions. My typical practice is to resolutely resolve to make no resolutions. At this task, I’ve excelled. However, that would make a pretty short and unsatisfying blog post, wouldn’t it? So my idea is more of a suggestion to you out there: a New Year’s resolution to declutter our lives. I’ll use some of my more awesome 2014 acquisitions, gifts and WTF-esque crap as examples.
The Hands Bra
I don’t need this anymore, and I’m going to regift this (I’m looking at you, De Voss). The girlfriend who cast my hands as her bra is gone, along with her attachment issues. I will miss my pet rabbit, though.
Earrings
A loyal fan sent these to me, even after I insisted that I have not and never intend to pierce my ears. Sorry, Eddie, I really hope you get the treatment you need.
Yodeling Pickle Toy
I’ll drop this at a local Salvation Army, so that some lucky kid can benefit from the sick sense of humor some of my relatives believe is normal.
F-U Flask.
I’m not getting rid of this, actually. Rather, I’m taking it to work. As long as it’s out of my house, it counts as decluttering. Also, nothing says, “I don’t give a crap” like drinking on the job from this beauty.
S#!t Glitter
I’ll admit that this awesome gag gift made me the life of a party following a broccoli/egg salad/chili feast. I maintain that the Sriracha sauce helped with the realism of the volcanic event. The abrasiveness of the glitter made cleanup a literal pain, so this stuff is out.
Elf
A devoted LAP fan of mine sent this to me complete with the cookies. The note from her said, “Your creative process.” You can’t find admiration like this easily anymore, but I have to make room on the shelf.
Lizard
No effort required. This little guy sat and mocked me in silence for months before he announced that he was off to Hollywood to pursue a career in advertising.
Divorce Paperwork
Scratch that, I’m having that framed. I might put my flask next to it.
Nothing
This is another lovely gift from my fan base. Unlike the Pooping Elf, this one didn’t come with a note of explanation. I also couldn’t read the return address, so I will recycle the included manifesto. I’d burn it but the white powder on it makes me nervous about that idea.
Shrunken Head
No comment on this until the statute of limitations runs out.
There you have it – a great example of how easy it is to not only declutter your life but stick to your New Year’s resolution. I’d go on, but there’s someone peering in my window… probably the mailman.
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