Humor Magazine

Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

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Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh?  Exclamation points add so much excitement!  Without one, the context completely changes.

But enough of the grammar lessons, because it’s time to reveal the winner of the Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz!  And one more exclamation point just for fun!

Here are the results: 

KSBETH:  20%





EVA:  40%

JACKIE P:  20%



And the winner is…


Congratulations, Catherine!  Clearly you remembered the most important lesson in school:  if you didn’t study, just guess the letter C.  One of our representatives will be contacting you shortly, and please have your webcam handy when our prize patrol shows up at your door.

Here’s the answer key:

Question 1:

Which member of LAP is a former musician in a band that used saws, drills, and water glasses as instruments?


Chris De Voss
  C.)  Chris De Voss

In broadcasting school, some friends and I got bored and started using school equipment to record electronic music – incorporating free samples from the internet. In order to make it sound different from everyone else, we also recorded everyday objects like water glasses, saws, and pencils hitting the table, and mixed them into the songs.

Question 2:

Which member of LAP once auditioned to play the role of the character Eyeball in the movie Stand by Me?


Ned Hickson
  C.)  Ned Hickson

Because the story takes place in Oregon, the casting director was looking for real Northwest faces. They combed the high school drama classes in my area for possible actors. I was called to the office and asked to do a reading as “Eyeball” in front of Rob Reiner, the casting director and my principal, who had to listen to me use words like “shit” and “ball sweat.” I nailed it, but think I lost the part when I called Reiner “Meat Head.”

Question 3:

The classic sci-fi movie Planet of the Apes brings this LAP member to tears because of  a severe dislike of seeing monkeys die.


katie hoffman
  B.)  Katie Hoffman

I cry when watching Planet of the Apes because monkeys are so close to humans, but they’re not close enough that they bring more than 15 items to the 15 items or less line, put obnoxious bumper stickers on their cars, or leave poop smears behind in public restroom toilets. They’re better than we are.

Question 4:

Which LAP member carries the second rarest blood type (B-), shared by only 2% of the world population?


Jack De Voss
  B.)  Jack De Voss

I first learned I had B- blood when I was attending the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters in North Salem, New York. People with B- blood have a predominance of green or blue-green eyes that change color like a chameleon. They also have; true red or reddish hair, a low pulse rate, low blood pressure, keen sight or hearing, healing factors, extra ribs or vertabrae, piercing eyes, deep compassion for fate of mankind, unexplained scars on body, and a capability to disrupt electrical appliances. It is a super rare blood type and I am constantly fighting off vampires who think I’m a bottle of 1787 Chateau red.

Question 5:

Which LAP member accidentally launched a model rocket off in their bedroom while attending grade school?


  C.)  Chowderhead

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was little.  My science fair project was sitting on the bedroom floor, polished up and ready for the next day’s launch.  Launch day came sooner than expected…

I was petting it or something (the rocket) but not that rocket)), when suddenly the red wire accidentally touched the green wire.  And then, a furry of sparks and wom wom sounds.  The GI Joe space explorer then began orbiting the room.  All I remember was a frantic man trying to catch it with an oven mitt or a baseball glove or something, and then throwing it outside like a live grenade.  It was all a blur, and it smelled like sulfur in there for a year.  I didn’t want to be an astronaut anymore after that.

Question 6:

Which LAP member is egg-intolerant, shops for T-shirts in the children’s section, and has never once experienced being drunk?


  D.)  Mike Calahan

After taking a food sensitivity test, I found out I was very sensitive to eggs. So, gone are the days of scrambled eggs for breakfast, egg scrambles for lunch and boozy egg nog on holidays.

And yup, it is true that I have never been drunk. I do drink, but just not to excess. The drunken Irish gene is strong in my family, so I figured it’s best not to tempt fate. Then again, I can’t even tempt women, so what do I know?

Thanks for the relative obesity of the US, even adult small shirts are cut too loose for me, so I sometimes do shop in the boys section for shirts. I draw the line at shopping in the boys section for underwear, though.

Question 7:

Which LAP member was once hit by a car at the age of 14, and today, owns over 150 board games?


  C.)  Monk Monkey

Having 150 board games is not being a geek, it’s just being a collector – like how you have 150 brain cells.  Getting smashed into by a car is easy. Just run across a road without looking. A busy road. Just at the time when a car is aiming for your shoulder. Then say goodbye to your shoulder.

Question 8:

Which LAP member was nominated as candidate for Prom Queen during High School?


  C.)  BrainRants

It started as a joke to see if a varsity lineman could pull off beating a typical SoCal mean-girl barbie type, and then it gained traction.  I made it to the final three in the runoff without wearing a skirt or having implants, mind you.  All humor aside, the good news is that I didn’t win, but a genuinely nice girl did which was the point.

Question 9:

Which LAP member once reigned supreme in an underwater pumpkin carving contest, and also suffered from a severe phobia of rubber chickens as a child?

  A.)  Omawarisan

I don’t know why, but my parents had a rubber chicken in their apartment when I was little. I’m equally unsure why something I knew couldn’t hurt me scared me so badly. I was afraid enough of the rubber chicken that my parents successfully hid Christmas presents in the dining room with the chicken across the door. I wouldn’t even look in the room.And what you may not know about pumpkins is that they float. So, if you don’t secure your pumpkin well when you kneel on the sea floor, 60 feet down, you’re going to lose your pumpkin and the contest. I didn’t lose my pumpkin; I won a bottle of really good dark rum.

Question 10:

Which LAP member blames their perpetual single-status on the fact that they own neither an iron, nor an oven?


  C.)  Miss Melisa Mae

As an adult, I’ve struggled with the realization that I am now responsible for buying my own toilet paper and doing my own laundry. To me, buying an oven is one of those things that grown up people do and I’m just not sure I’m ready to be part of the baking crowd. However, if anyone is interested in some microwave popcorn, I’ve got you covered. My house is also a no-ironing zone. If I can’t get the wrinkles out by simply hanging it in the bathroom while I shower then it’s clearly too fancy. I own a lot of cotton.



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