Lollipop Chainsaw is not a game for Daddy’s little girl,
not matter what people say. You play as a lollipop-sucking, chainsaw wielding,
cheer-chanting cheerleader names Julia, who is, as any quick Google search will
show, a zombie killer, or “hunter” as it’s called in the game. The player is
tasked with irradiating the town that’s having a bit of an infestation, problem
is, rat killer is in abundance and yet, for some reason, stores just don’t seem
to carry zombie traps, repellants, or poisons. Figures.
Lollipop Chainsaw is not your typical zombie killer and while the developers have done their best to make a stand-alone zombie-killing thriller, it falls short as just about everything done to step outside the box just isn’t all that funny or innovative, which is a clear goal the game seems to have, and ultimately drags down the gameplay. This just 18 year old is essentially a character straight out of a manga, waith a perfect body that will have people wondering how she’s so skinny while boasting an ample bossom that should be giving her back problems, but clearly doesn’t. And the perky, yet annoying sunny disposition will take some conscious effort on your part to try to ignore, or at the very least, move on with the story. It will wear on you, and quickly. For all the pervs out there, I wouldn’t be surprised if you muted this game and just sat back and watched. C’mon, she’s young enough to be your daughter. Shame on you. And for the younger crowd, go out and get a real girlfriend. But I digress.
Lollipop Chainsaw is crude in its humor and throws so many double standards at you and promotes so many near-misogynistic metaphorical slaps across the face that I, a male, found myself offended. It’s safe to say about 9 out of 10 jokes are just so over the top and way too desperate in an attempt to blast the player with shock value. It’s like Fable; crude humor begging for a laugh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand cue crickets. … ….. …. …..
Do not attempt to adjust your television. The bedazzlement you are experiencing is premeditated and is, for all intents and purposes, actually a part of the game. Let me ask you something, and be frank okay. Just man to man here. How may guys out there go for sparkle magic and rainbows and unicorns and fairies and sunshine and little pink hearts with yellow stars. Be honest. No, don’t worry, I’ll give you a moment to reflect and re-think your whole life……………………………... Liar. But seriously, this was a big hit and miss in my opinion. Everywhere you go, and all the fighting just splashes the screen in this neon wonderland of bedazzlement that’s just irritating and distracting. And if I hear Tony Basil’s “Mickey” one more time, I’m gonna stab someone in the eye with a lollipop. STOP PLAYING THAT SONG WHENEVER I START TO KICK SOME ZOMBIE YOU-KNOW-WHAT!!!! STOP IT!!!! And another thing! Dressing up the main character like a….. we’ll just call them “entertainers” or “women of the evening”, or well, take your pick, I’ve got more if you can’t, and I’m sure most of you do too, doesn’t make them interesting and is an obvious ploy to distract players from the flaws and annoyances in the gameplay and some of the game mechanics. WE’RE NOT IDIOTS. Though that can be debated for those who think this game is near perfect, and there are some reviews out that have managed to immerse their standards of what makes a great game into a non-existent plane of reality. They’re delusional.
At its core, I will say that killing zombies in Lollipop Chainsaw is actually fun. Juliet will learn new combos to kill those zombies dead with her pom poms, feet, and chainsaw, the chainsaw obviously being the best part. Chainsaws are basically zombie killing 101 and just about any notable movie or video game has a chainsaw to hack yourself a slice of zombie. Grey meat is the other other other white meat. On lower difficulties the combos you use won’t really matter all that much, Juliet will slice those undead vermin like a knife through butter. But if you’re looking for something a bit more substantial, and you will have to with this game to get your money’s worth, you’ll play on harder difficulties which will require you to prioritize certain combos over others. The combat and whacky situations which are overused and are essentially the game’s staple for drawing a crowd and grabbing a quick buck, are occasionally broken up with different modes of play such as sticking Juliet’s boyfriend’s head, yes I said head but I won’t spoil too much here except, c’mon, it’s a zombie game, do the math… and sticks it onto a zombie’s body, which you then control to get to places Juliet otherwise can’t. The problem is, it’s a missed opportunity to make something fun for the players. Instead, it’s the same, repetitive thing over and over again, and not even fun repetitive. And there are plenty of games out there that have you doing more or less the same thing over and over but still manage to be entertaining.
One thing that really draws back the gameplay is the camera.
UGH. That camera. Easily one of the worst things about this game, and that’s
out of a long, long list. Far too often, I found myself growling at the game as
the camera panned to an inconvenient spot or angle and made it difficult to see
what I was actually doing. Another gripe I have is that sometimes, even though
you are clearly hitting a zombie with everything you’ve got, the game is too
stupid to know it and doesn’t quite register the contact or impact of your
combos. In any game, that is just unacceptable, I don’t care what the strengths
of the game in question are. If I’m smacking a zombie with my pom poms, kicking
him in the face, and otherwise laying into him with a CHAINSAW, I expect to see
some kind of reaction, and definitely not expecting him to hit me even though I’m
clearly in the process of hacking him to bits. FAIL. This is one of the few
games in which gamers can actually blame the game and know it’s a genuine and legitimate
excuse and not their own incompetence.
Fortunately, the bosses are actually fun to play against and are perhaps the biggest incentive the player has to endure through this game. I just wanted to see what each boss’ bizarre abilities are. And they’re whack. My personal favorite being the guy who shouts and cusses you out and his words literally hurt you. Too bad you don’t have a stick or stone to return the favor. I guess a chainsaw will have to do. The only other thing I can really think of is at the end of each level you’ll be scored. After you beat this 4-5 hour game, go back and destroy your previous scores. That’s really the only incentive to sit through this game a second time: your vanity, pride, and quest for gaming glory.
Okay, I think I’m done bashing Lollipop Chainsaw for now.
Let’s get on to what you’re really here for. Though Lollipop Chainsaw adds a
seldom-used twist and hook to make an otherwise broad and overused genre, (
notice I said seldom, not never, *cough* (Buffy the Vampire Slayer….),
Lollipop Chainsaw has poor gameplay and an underwhelming cast of characters,
plot, and is otherwise a bit of a let down in every possible way. Even its
greatest strength, the combat falls short of greatness. And so, I cannot in
good conscience recommend this game to you for the price it’s going for at the
moment. Wait a while, and then buy the game, and the price will go down on this
one, trust me. If you just can’t wait, rent the thing and then determine if you
want to spend your money on it. Trust me, you’ll be happier for it.
Lollipop Chainsaw earns a starless, monochromatic rainbow, bland light, and hornless unicorn; yes I said hornless, think about that, hornless, score of 5 out of 10. I almost gave it a 6, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
