LOL! One of My Fave Scenes in THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S GUIDE TO GRACIOUS KILLING

EXCERPT

My cell in the Santa Monica hoosegow could do with a little sprucing up, but my roomies, Big Bitch Bitsy and Shitfaced Leona, would get in my face and threaten me with some smackdown should I even consider rearranging their fine collection of Chippendales trading cards, which has been stuck onto the concrete wall with Bubblicious.

I’ve been in this hellhole for the past seven hours. I don’t plan on staying here another night. Still, Bitsy (whereas she uses this as a surname, I don’t want to disrespect her by calling her by the much less bestie-friendly Big or Bitch) is no fool. She sees me eyeing the bottom bunk near the window, and wants to set me straight up front that it’s hers. Bitsy’s fist goes for my nose. To her surprise, I’m able to stop it with my stiffened palm, and twist her arm out behind her, which is all it takes to warn her that not only sticks and stones, but pressure in the right spot, is all it takes to break her bones. Being raised by gentlefolk, I release her with a warning that doesn’t mar the reputation of the woman who bore her, or reference some embarrassing part of her anatomy.

You’d think she’d take the hint that I’m not someone she should be messing with, but no.

The long shadows cast by our cell’s fugly fluorescent overhead light tip me off that she’s about to stab me with a shiv made from a metal spring from Leona’s bunk. A roundhouse kick to Bitsy’s gut sends her reeling backward into the wall. I cram her head against it with my version of a Vulcan Mind Meld, where pressure points in three key spots on her cranium has Bitsy repeating every word I say. “I will act like a lady at all times. I will share with my bunkmates. I will talk in a lady-like voice. I won’t use my nasty pottymouth.”

Works every time. Thank you, Mr. Spock.

“Tsk, tsk. Is that any way to make friends and influence enemies?”

I turn around to find Jack smiling at me from just beyond the bars. So, that was the reason for the salacious whistles and catcalls coming from the other cells. Usually, it’s for a new prisoner, or as they call them here, “fresh meat.” This time it’s for six-feet-two-inches of prime beefcake in an Armani suit.

I wave gaily at him. Okay, it’s more like a middle-finger salute. “’Bout damn time you got here. If it’s going to take you seven hours to drive a whole two miles, why do you own a Lamborghini?”

“Because the girls love it.” Noting my raised brow and Bitsy’s shiv in my hand has him rethinking his answer. “In all seriousness, Ryan and I are having a hell of a time convincing the local authorities that you didn’t kill Edwina. It doesn’t help that your prints are the only ones on the murder weapon.”

“But I explained that to the SWAT guys! It was in my hand when Breck and I wrestled for it, and he twisted my arm so that it was pointing at her when he squeezed the trigger.”

“Likely story,” mutters Leona, through her drunken stupor.

I peel her favorite Chippendale off the wall and tear it in half. She whimpers, but takes the hint that she better keep mom in front of my gentleman caller.

Jack shakes his head at my cruelty. “It doesn’t help that the security video shows you as coming out of the House of Mirrors right after Breck got shot in there.”

Suddenly, it looks like I’ll have the time to complete a full makeover of my jail cell.

I smack the bars between us with my fist. “Oh my God! If I end up in jail for Edwina’s murder, Carl will be given custody of the kids! I’ve got to get out of this mess!”

“Don’t worry about Carl. The files Edwina left behind have put him back on the Watch List, and Breck, too for that matter. Unfortunately, Carl left with Asimov’s contingent before we could stop him.”

“Well, that’s some relief.” I feel tears forming in my eyes. “What have you told the children about my absence?”

“Just that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Unfortunately, your arrest made the news in a big way. The police leaked Breck’s version of it. Needless to say, all of Hilldale is buzzing about it. Penelope and her posse actually believe that you’re jealous of Babette. Mrs. Breck’s silence on the topic isn’t helping matters.”

“Figures she’d be towing his party line.” I shake my head in disgust. “Breck is a member of the Quorum. For that alone, we’ve got to bring him back. Seriously, Jack, what are we going to do?”

“We just have to wait it out, for however long it takes.” He looks down at his watch “Which should be about… now.”

For just a few seconds, all the lights in the jail flash.

Jack looks down the hall. Seeing that the two guards have been distracted by the shouts of the cellmates over this disruption of their routine, he slips me a small bag through the bars.

“That was Arnie,” he mutters, just barely loud enough for me to hear. “He’s just put their security feed on a loop. It’ll run for a couple of hours. In the meantime, this spray turns these two into sleeping beauties. If need be, you can use the spray on the guards, too, but I think the diversion Arnie is causing in Cell Block C will keep them busy for awhile. We guessed at the uniform size. The smart card gets you through every door in this joint. Abu and I will be waiting down the block in his ice cream truck.”

I give him a thumbs up. I wish I could kiss him, but I don’t want to make my roomies jealous.

I’m just glad he’s kept his shirt on, and he’s kept his a bowtie and French cuffs at home.