In a conversation I had with a good friend of mine who grew up in the “motherland”, she was explaining a story in which she was at a bridal shower/bachelorettte party. When it came to playing games or making the sexual jokes that we are so used to in such a setting, the girls (including the bride) could not stop laughing or acting like sex and men were gross
This mid-20s bride was going to have sex – ew just seems like such a strange reaction.
If she was an extremely young teenage bride – “ew” makes sense. Had she not masturbated? Had she not watched some sex scenes alone (presuming she is exposed to some media or the internet)? Did she not know what her body would feel like? Was she not told how to negotiate the way the man she was marrying was going to break her virginity (physically and emotionally)? The sad thing is that she probably did not. She probably saw sex as something the male “did to her”. How can that ever be pleasurable? Sure, there are the being rough fantasies and wanting to be dominated in bed, but that pleasure comes with some bit of empowerment in a woman, doesn’t it?
The famous “Suhaag Raat” scene from Kabhie Kabhie. Wonder if this is how a “wedding night” really is. In this case Raakhi is pining for someone else. Scandal!
Sometimes as a Desi woman I wonder what my life would have been like if I remained that “innocent” girl who only held onto these ideas of sexuality. Would I have been curious what sex would have been like outside of one person – the person I marry? I spent most of my life telling myself that I would never do anything before marriage. I grew up believing that women who just “opened their legs” before marriage were just weak. I grew up a hypocrite, judging other women for being confident in their sexuality.
Somehow, the tables have turned.
If I was at that party, I could not relate to those women. Though I do not believe I am somehow any more educated and better off, I would find myself in a warped universe if that was my mindset. I was told to be a “good girl” and that it would get me the “right guy”. Yet those “right guys” still only cared if I was pretty. They were the same “righteous guys”, but they had no clue what comes with lovemaking. They sure were ready to talk about what was and was not “right” in sexuality, rather than about trying to figure out how to see pleasure as something deeply mutual.
I realized I grew up as a woman with some pretty twisted and narrow views of what sex needs to be. I first saw it as something that was just not negotiable before marriage. Then I saw it as something not negotiable unless one is in love with someone that I see a future with. Finally, it came something separate from love altogether. In a matter of six years, my ideas/preconceptions/visions of my sexuality were challenged, deconstructed, and at some points, completely shattered. My level/quality of sex mattered, and I suppose I embraced the beauty of passionate sex, but found myself confused between how much it was a making or breaking factor in a relationship – much less a marriage. I realized the difference between “a man selfish in bed” and a “man who cared about my pleasure”.
I always thought that only men distinguished between “sex” and “love”. I realized how untrue it was as I grew up. I heard from my conservative male and female counterparts that women who had sex before marriage were filled with “emotional baggage”. This was on their laundry list of reasons to wait until marriage. I cannot speak for women who are perfectly happy with that decision, but not all of us just have it that perfect. I would not call it emotional baggage, but rather that I just cannot see every sexual act as an act of love.
Now, I sit here jaded.
I am not jaded because of not marrying the person I gave my body and heart to the most. What I am jaded about is how I have come to a point where I can simply able to turn off the concept of love and emotions right now in physical interactions. It seems to be a space only dominated by male images. I promise this is no competition with men – just some insight into the ability for the female to experience something similar.
While this cliche is all around the interwebs, I do wonder if love exists and if it is what should dictate our decision to marry or spend (presumably) our lives with someone. Is there just a special connection we go through with the person we spend the rest of our lives with, regardless of how passionate the sex is? Many girlfriends of mine mentioned that it takes real effort to maintain good sex in anything long term.
It scares me more to lay in bed, bored, while he just “finishes” than to be alone.
And somehow, I am supposed to remain ashamed of even thinking this as a Desi woman. How many of us have these experiences? How many of us were not lucky enough to simply be happy in “one go” (i.e. only sleeping with the people we marry and be happy)? And how many of us, after we believed we would have a “one go” sex life with one person, simply are at the point of just wanting the physical pleasure? We are seen as emotional train wrecks or emotionally unsound when we ask these questions while our male counterparts are generally viewed as “living the bachelor life” if they go through something similar. Yeah, yeah, people will say they judge guys who do that too, but society really does not. Stop pretending.
Yet, in all of this, there is always an emptiness. The answer to emptiness is generally proceeded with some sort of idea of love to fill that void. Being in our mid-20s and close to our 30s, the truth is that we all come with some emotional baggage. We are not broken and somehow with each year passing we become resilient. It really is easier to be “broken” than it is to own up to the choices we have made and the experiences we have had in our sexual and love lives. We are not incapable of falling back into the cycle of wanting to feel special, needed, and at the center of someone else’s world. We are not incapable of somehow believing there is someone who can understand all of this and help us believe that love really does exist.
But somehow, we cannot help but still play devil’s advocates with ourselves…
