Humor Magazine

LAP Investigates: The Ice Cream Shoppe

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

issue #7

Here at LAP, we keep our finger on the pulse of all the latest controversies and sources of political discord. Perhaps the most significant and polarizing issue facing the modern world has come to a head recently, and in an unprecedented exposé, we’ve gone undercover at the very source of the conflict—no, not Ukraine—the local ice cream shoppe.

One weekend afternoon, when the weather was forecasted to be hot, but not so hot you want to take of all of your clothes and sit in the air conditioning like the Coca-Cola bear in his trailer on a fifteen minute break, LAP correspondents donned jorts and a tee shirt they didn’t care about spilling ice cream on and breached the ice cream shoppe fortress to get a first-hand look at cone prejudice. Cone prejudice has been taking place in neighborhood ice cream parlors for decades, but with the pro-bowl pundits staking their claim in the ice cream world and with the up-and-coming waffle bowl party quickly gaining momentum, LAP knew that now was the perfect moment to investigate this historic cone clash.

Blending in amidst a grass-stained little league team celebrating its fifth consecutive loss, a group of mothers desperate to silence their spawn for ten minutes, a few couples on dates, and a group of teenagers who were hoping no one would see them there, LAP witnessed the complexities of the cutthroat cone arena.

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The first few ice cream orders seemed innocuous: one woman ordered a soft serve vanilla cone, a young man asked for two scoops of mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone, but things quickly became heated when a young woman requested three scoops of cake batter in a cone, but also asked for a spoon. Masquerading as an ordinary ice cream enthusiast, one LAP correspondant quietly confronted the woman about her choices.

LAP: I see you have a cone and a spoon. What’s the purpose of that? Does it make it taste better?

Spoonie Luv: Oh, I don’t know that it makes it taste better, but it just makes it more manageable. Cones can get messy! Besides, I don’t want anyone to see me licking my ice cream.

LAP: So, why didn’t you just get a bowl if you’re using a spoon anyway?

Spoonie Luv: Well, I still want to eat the cone, of course!

Fascinating. It appeared that cone moderates were nervous about being completely alienated from the pro-bowl population. Oddly enough, in using a spoon this young, naïve woman was only showcasing her internalized ice cream cone shame; it’s common knowledge that the prospect of public ice cream fellatio is the most widely accepted tenet of cone ideology—not far behind completely freaking out when a structurally compromised cone starts leaking from the bottom.

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Our spoon analysis was cut short by something truly shocking: instead of getting a spoon with his cone, one gentleman had taken it a step further and actually dumped his ice cream cone into a bowl upside-down.

LAP: Sir, I see you’ve taken a lovingly scooped ice cream cone and mushed it in a bowl, what happened here?

Cone bowler: Eating an ice cream cone is such a pain what with holding the cone upright and keeping the ice cream from melting down the sides… It’s easier this way.

LAP: Sure, I understand. Why not just get a bowl?

Cone bowler: I suppose I could… But I still want to eat the cone.

It seemed the cone ambivalent were well-represented at the ice cream shoppe today, but at the counter our first cone dissenter had appeared, grimacing in disgust when the cashier asked if she wanted a waffle cone or a bowl.

Bowl betrothed: BOWL!!!! NO CONE. BOWL.

LAP: You really prefer the cup to the cone?

Bowl betrothed: Oh yeah, I don’t need any extra calories.

LAP: Oh. Has it occurred to you that the bowl you’re getting is still going to be filled with ice cream?

LAP was at risk for completely blowing its cover, so our investigators decided to observe the goings-on at a few tables with people who had already begun eating their ice cream. One little girl was proudly eating her bubblegum ice cream from the confounding waffle bowl—perhaps the most contentious of all methods of ice cream delivery. Ah, the innocence of youth.

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LAP: That looks yummy! Don’t you like cones, though?

Tiny bowl activist: Yessss! ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!

LAP: Okay, but why did your mommy get you a bowl made of cone ingredients? Does she not love you?

Tiny bowl activist: I’m gonna eat the bowl all up.

LAP: But couldn’t you have done the exact same thing with a cone, perhaps more effectively?

Tiny bowl activist: I like spoons.

Clearly, LAP and this tiny activist had reached an impasse. There’s no reasoning with some of these radicals.

LAP left the ice cream shoppe that day with more questions than answers. It’s clear that most people want to eat a cone, but many are hesitant to venture out into the cone-loving world without the familiar security of a spoon in their hand. It’s clear we still have a long way to come, but at LAP we’re optimistic that someday we might live in a world where people will order a bowl of ice cream and ask to dump it in a cone.

If only cone lovers and bowl enthusiasts could realize what they have in common–not eating ice cream with their fingers like a barbarian–perhaps we could finally scoop together some understanding.



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