Humor Magazine

Just In Time For Christmas – The Burt Reynolds Auction

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

Burt Reynolds.

Remember him? The well-known actor with 178 film and television credits? You’d think that a guy who scored big roles in such classics as W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings, Smokey and the Bandit, Deliverance and of course, Striptease would be squared away as far as cash flow.

Apparently not.

Just In Time For Christmas – The Burt Reynolds Auction

Not for sale – Burt Reynolds’ hair gel and Loni Anderson. Anything else, make an offer. (photo by Alan Light CCby2.0)

Burt is facing foreclosure on his house. His ranch was sold during a bankruptcy. The man needs to come up with some quick cash, so he’s doing what a lot of other people who were never in Frankenstein and Me would do. He’s having a yard sale. Except when you’re Frankenstein and Me big, you don’t have a yard sale, you auction your yard sale stuff.

Insert Sound Of Auctioneer Gibberish Here

The Property From The Life And Career Of Burt Reynolds Auction will be held at The Palms in Las Vegas on December 11.

December 11 is a Thursday this year. You’ve probably got appointments on your calendar. Last minute plane tickets are costly. You can’t just jet off to Vegas and bid on stuff, even though I’m sure you’d like to. The auctioneers understand that, that’s why you can see and bid on everything that is for sale via the net!

As a service to you, I went through all six-hundred-seventy-six items up for grabs at the auction. I screened out the bad art work, weird furniture and the belt buckles and carefully selected some of the most “giftable” items for you to consider in your holiday giving plans.

Burt Reynolds Likes His Name

If you know anyone with the initials B.R., this auction is a gift gold mine for you. As an example, check out these monogrammed pink cowboy boots (starting bid $300). They’d be perfect for your buddy Bill Robinson or his wife, Becky.

There is a set of two stylish ties (starting bid $100), one of which has “Burt Reynolds” typed on the inside. Oddly, Burt’s specially designed typewriter for ties is not up for auction.

Got someone on your list who isn’t worth $100? They might like the set of five wooden hangers personalized (starting bid $25) with the actor’s name.

What’s a better gift than a warm, cuddly robe? Burt’s own warm, cuddly robe (starting bid $50), embroidered with his signature.

Just In Time For Christmas – The Burt Reynolds Auction

This is a Rolodex. You see, back before cell phones…oh, never mind. (image by ArnoldReinhold CCby2.5)

Your celebrity obsessed friend might love to have Mr. Reynolds’ Rolodex (starting bid $150), complete with the addresses and phone numbers of his actor/friends. One of the things I noticed in examining this item is that the card with Cary Grant’s phone number has “deceased” typed below the actor’s name. I’m no Burt Reynolds, but once someone dies, I don’t wonder why they haven’t called.

But if you want the greatest gift in the auction (no, it isn’t the car from Smokey and the Bandit), you’ll be going head to head with my wife and you will lose. She knows how badly I want to walk around in Burt’s leather chaps (starting bid, $100) and she’ll stop at nothing to get them for me.

Wanted – Dead Or Alive

Perhaps as you read this you’re reflecting on how this poor guy could have torn through the millions of dollars he earned over a long career. What choices did he make that were so bad that he must sell the relics of that career – the People’s Choice Awards, paintings of Dom DeLuise, even his desk name plate?

Yes, maybe you’re thinking that.

Or perhaps you’re thinking what I did when I read the news of this auction:  “Burt Reynolds isn’t dead? Wow, I would have gotten that one wrong tomorrow at Trivia Night.”

Please let us know in our poll and in the comments – before you read this, did you think Burt Reynolds was still alive?

<a href="http://polldaddy.com/poll/8492497">Take Our Poll</a>

————————–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.


Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

Paperblog Hot Topics

Magazine