So far today, I've asked Jesus to be an espresso machine ('cause of insomnia last night), a Xanax (for anxiety of course), an Ambien (again, insomnia), and a winning lottery ticket (for obvious reasons).It's 10am and I've needed Him to be all of these things.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on but I'm choosing to blame it on the Full Moon & the Lunar eclipse because things in my life these past few days (today especially) are just whack. Nothing is falling in to place and nothing is going the way I'd like it to.
Basically I'm just having a big pity party because that's so productive (<---- insert sarcasm here).
But "Pity Patty" I am and it's making it so much more evident that I need Jesus, day in and day out, in every second, every minute of my messy life. I need Him to cover me in the qualities that my half-jokingly requests provide on a literal level.
As an espresso machine I need Him to give me energy and perseverance to make it through today. As an Ambien I need Him to provide rest. As a Xanax, I need His peace. And well, as a winning lottery ticket I need Him to provide for my basic material needs.
My requests and my wit aren't meant to mask the fact that He is indeed providing these things - they just ebb & flow, like everything else in life. And believe me, after 33 years, I have no expectation that things are going to be rosey & perfect 100% of the time. I guess I just wish the seasons in the valley weren't so severe or that I didn't feel them so deeply.
I'm far beyond the point of allowing myself to feel the feelings. I do that. I let myself sit in them, I analyze them (sometimes too much), I honor them, and try to move on. But more often then not they stick around, for reasons I've yet to discover. That's the part I don't appreciate. The "sticking around" bit. Because in my mind I'd like to get on with my day.
Is it spiritual warfare? Maybe.
But more then that I think it's fear.
Fear of actually living life for me, instead of for someone else. Fear of living life knowing full well that sometimes life equals pain, disappointment, rejection, and other equally unpleasant things. Fear of bearing my soul and not having anyone to meet me where I'm at. And definitely fear of being alone, now and forever.
So how does one move beyond the crippling effects that fear create? Other then a daily process of surrender (which I'm not too good at mind you), what do you do to release fear from your life?
Today I call on Jesus. I call on Him to be and do everything that I can't in this particular moment. Sometimes I see the miracle almost instantly, but more often then not I see it unfold slowly. Today is a slow day. A day where grace comes like molasses, inching it's way ever so slowly into my heart & soul.
Here's hoping that by bedtime the molasses jar is empty and I'm able to fall asleep completely covered in the heavy sweetness of His peace, love, & grace.
