Ivanka Trump created an efficient 21-minute sex playlist for her anniversary
When I think of sex-songs or “songs that get me worked up,” I think of: anything by Otis Redding, anything by Marvin Gaye, the early works of Nine Inch Nails, Portishead Live At Roseland, and at least half of Prince’s work. If I want slow, soft and sexy, I’d add Jeff Buckley’s Grace to the list (OMG!!). Obviously, I am not Ivanka Trump. Ivanka Trump does not get “worked up” in the traditional sense. When Ivanka wants to have sex with her husband, Yentl Kushner, she plans a staid and decidedly DRY affair with an efficent and utterly boring 21-minute basic-bitch sex soundtrack.
HuffPo discovered that Ivanka had created the sparse Spotify playlist a few weeks ago, ahead of what would be her eighth wedding anniversary. The fact that Ivanka planned out a boring 21-minute sex session for her anniversary and that she wanted to hear these songs while Yentl kept his socks on… well, it’s depressing. Here’s the playlist:
Once the sex is over, what is she going to do when “Ordinary People” starts playing?? That fact that she has two John Legend songs is just… sad and funny. Funny because John Legend hates her ass and sad because those two Legend songs are pretty boring and vanilla. Categorizing those songs as “sex songs” is giving up on your ability to have a Big O. And who is still listening to James Blunt?!?! For the love of God. I’m not trying to bring more Kushners into the world, but girl, I could create a better 21-minute playlist for you in like two minutes. Start with Otis’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” then ramp it up a little with Portishead’s “All Mine.” Then phase into Jeff Buckley’s “So Real,” and then go full-throttle with NIN’s “Closer.” Close it out with Marvin Gaye’s “Trouble Man,” I think. You know what, Ivanka? Just save this list for the next time you see Justin Trudeau. Trudeau won’t want to use the playlist, but you can use it by yourself as you think of him. Maybe I’ll add “Hungry Eyes” to the list.
Maybe we’re not giving Ivanka and Jared enough credit though – they do have three kids together, so obviously, they get down. They’ve gotten down precisely three times, at least. But I just can’t picture it. The problem is with Ol’ Yentl, actually. Like, I could actually picture Ivanka closing her eyes and thinking of Trudeau, generally speaking. But Yentl is so… sexless. Unappealing. Neutered, like a Ken Doll.
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