Slowly walking out of a difficult season in my life , I’m learning that Jesus stays the same , but our relationship changes. I change in order to mature with his love for me.
Let me just say that I miss needing him to help me breathe during the day. Physically I couldn’t catch a full breath, knee deep in anxiety I had to fully rely on him to help me. He was all I had. He was the only thing that could console me, and open my air ways.
Although I do not miss the constant struggle my body put me through , I do miss desperately crying out to Him, my Papa. There’s a closeness that develops in your misery . A bond so strongly knitted that you will never forget his arms wrapping around you as you wept .
My chains have slowly started falling off deep in my soul, and as I watch them fall I cry out glory to my Maker. He is mighty and he is just. He didn’t leave me in the pit alone , he climbed in and held me while I learned who I was in him , and he equipped me with the armor I needed to escape. Ultimately it was my decision whether I would continue a life of death , and misery. I chose life after a year of hell.
A year seems to be profound for me. I once fasted meat for a year , which was no walk in the park. But it made me strong , and hungry. Both physically and spiritually I craved for his presence. I wasn’t relenting until I saw his whole heart, until I felt his touch. It was that year I began to have encounters with him.
During our struggles he speaks and molds us for the next season.
Honestly, I haven’t really known how to act right now. I can breathe. The left side of my face isn’t numb. My ribs aren’t popping.
Jesus tell me what you want from me in this season , I say daily.
The first thing he spoke was to NOT feel guilty for being happy. For doing well. He’s happy I am happy.
The second thing he spoke about was this image of a marathoner.
She ran with sweat pouring down her brow. This woman was not me, as I do not run because I love myself , and cant find a strong enough deodorant, but this woman kept going.
She finished the race exhausted, but dang if she was going to quit. With righteous anger in her voice she cried out at the finish line. She made it as she collapsed on the hot pavement .
She was victorious. It was then I saw her trainer beaming on the side lines. Hours upon hours he spent with her telling her she was a winner. Coaching her and encouraging her. She owed her success to this man , who cares deeply about her well being. He told her just how far to run, how fast to go and how to win.
As she takes her first sip of water , her mind is not thinking of her next race. She is thinking of rest. As she should be after a marathon.
As I should be , as you should be after a hard season.
It isn’t bad to rest. For in the resting he loves on us, surrounds us with his presence and tells us again we must win another race.
Whether this is weeks or months , relish in it. Frolic in the grass a bit.
Have a piña colada with your best friend and laugh like you are an idiot.
Black out your teeth and take redneck pictures. Leave the dishes in the sink for tomorrow. Laugh when your kids laugh. Wear too much eyeliner to impress your husband.
Be free. But most definitely be you. Breathe deeper sister. You earned it.
