All over my home I have pictures of our children. Beautiful frames and an unorganized array of pictures on the refrigerator. Each time I pass them I get a sudden thankful heart.
How beautiful they are. They’re kind of perfect in a chaotic way. But they’re mine . They follow me to the toilet and eat all my food before I can get to it , but they’re perfectly imperfect. I love them all.
Them all.
This week our daughter Rhema ( 3) found a navy blue outfit meant for a baby boy in my dresser. I had held onto it , often slept with it and honestly rocked it in my rocking chair to release my grief. I tucked it away , for no one to find . For some reason that day she was extra curious about the outfit .
” Momma why do you have this? Was this Asher’s when he was a baby? It’s for a boy? WHO is it for ?”
I lost my cool. I grabbed it from her and escorted her out of my room. With no words from neither mine or her lips I chose silence. This outfit wasn’t for her to know about. She’s too young to understand.
I knew in that moment I needed something to remind me of Jude. Something to proudly hang on my wall. That each time I would pass it I would love him. See him grow in my minds eye and remember him forever.
It’s not like I have a picture of him to hang in the midst of our family pictures. I can’t print out his name to frame , as the kids would ask questions.
But I know him, my son in heaven. I know his demeanor and facial expressions. He is just as real to me as all my children. He is my fourth.
So I had had enough. I had been wanting to decorate the hallway for almost a year now. I journeyed off to A craft store with three kids. There was no peace and quiet as we went aisle to aisle searching for just the perfect piece of artwork to represent his life.
As I rounded the corner I saw the sign .
” It is well with my soul.”
I purchased it , hung it up with my best friend behind me as I held back the tears.
It was for him , and his life that so significantly impacted mine.
You know what, it IS well with me he is in heaven. Free from this harsh life we live. Free from sin and from strife.
It will be well with my soul forever until I get to embrace my son. Because God hasn’t forgotten me.
