The NY Times ran a good piece yesterday that really speaks to the worst kept secret of all women with male partners, married and unmarried. Women shoulder most of the responsibility of raising children, and too often, He helps out from time to time. The author, Judith Shulevitz talks about what sociologists sometimes call “worry work,” which is something all women know too much about. This is the stuff of to-do lists, keeping kids’ and household schedules organized, remembering all the details associated with the kids schoolwork, sports and other activities—and worrying about how it will all get done adequately.
According to the author, and I must say I agree, this full time job may very well be the biggest reason for why women have not achieved the same success in their careers. After all, if they are the ones having to always be there, mentally and physically (when necessary and around child care), it will mean they do less at work, are less available and not as focused on the work project when their little one is sick and needs to be picked up from day care.
What is especially interesting (or troubling) is that in the US today, more than half of all women work outside the home and women are 40% of the sole or primary breadwinners in households with children under 18. Yet women continue to carry more at home or let things go because men aren’t picking up the slack left when she can’t be there.
As women have increasingly left the home for outside work, kids’ schedules have become more complex and there are more details to handle. Women are the ones usually doing these, along with everything else. What researchers have found is that when women’s non paid hours go down (house related tasks) their work hours increase, for men, this is not so. Of course, this is not true across the board as some men do more at home than their stay at home partners and some make huge contributions in spite of long hours away. Also gay couples are much better at splitting work fairly, be they male or female. There are also the two million stay-at-home dads, yet only one-fifth stay home to raise children. Most are out of work, retired or ill. Of those who stay at home, they do less than their partners who are also holding down a job outside the home. OUCH—none of this makes the guys look so good.
Women have some responsibility for this. We often worry our partners won’t do it right, especially when it comes to something for our kids. We also use terms like “babysitting,” when we are referring to our spouse helping out with watching the kids. Let’s face it, men don’t always have our high standards when it comes to the children, and we often don’t give them enough chance to learn to get it right. We worry the kids will suffer the consequences.
Maybe we should blame ourselves if we are the mothers of sons. After all, do we really teach them to handle household chores and other responsibilities or do we do too much for them? Do we ask our daughters instead because we believe they are more likely to do it right?
It’s a fact that women are programmed to put the needs of their children first. Our intense nurturing drive is responsible for this—so maybe we should just blame it on nature and give the guys a break. Or maybe we should lower our standards just a bit, ask him for more involvement, practice patience and enjoy the fact that we don’t have to do everything and worry about everything in order to avoid catastrophe.
Today is Mother’s Day—what a great day to step back, chill out and see how well the day goes without any real work or input on our part.
